Love & Books Redux: Part 4

11th February, 2010 by Christina - No Comments

And so we come to the end of the return of the Love & Books series.  I don’t have much to add to what I want to share today.  By far, this was my favorite post of the original series.  It mostly had to do with the two conversations I had–one in person and one over instant messenger–and the fact that both had me laughing. 

If you can’t laugh at sex, what can you laugh at?

One night, back at his place, she noticed a book.  How to Make Love All Night:  And Drive a Woman Wild! 

She looked at it inquiringly and asked him about it.  John said he owned the book because you can never have too many techniques.  So she opened it up to take a look and said to him, “Oh, no.  No woman wants this.  No woman wants to do it All.  Night.  Long.”

What surprised me was how serious the conversations seemed once transposed into a post to discuss how books affect our relationships (and in tandem, our sex life).  The funny is great, but what was important was the difference in approaches that John took in regards to books about sex compared to that of Lizzy and our mutual friend. 

At this point in her life, Lizzy was looking to settle down and thought she’d maybe found “The One.”  He was great in many ways, except the sex.  So she resigned herself to a life of bad sex; maybe it wouldn’t be such a terrible hardship.  She did make him give up the book.  The apartment building he lived in had a table in which the inhabitants would leave the occasional tchotchke for others to take.  The book spent three weeks on the table (lingering long after the troll statues had been grabbed) and one day disappeared. 

Eventually, Lizzy and John broke up.  He apparently had big-time commitment issues that she’d been willing to overlook along with the lack of decent love making. 

“[When] I saw [the book] immediately my suspicions began.  This man was going to be bad in bed, or had issues with women.  He didn’t know what to do or how to communicate with his partner regarding intimate issues.  Of course, I chose to ignore all of that, which only lead to heartbreak later…but live and learn!  All of my suspicions were true!”

Advice books are supposed to guide us and help us become better people, even between the sheets.  Yet, more often then not we find ourselves complaining about both the ones marketed to us and for the opposite sex.  I was sure, however, that there had to be some good books out there.  Or maybe it was not so much the books, but how individuals approached the content.  Discussing Lizzy’s story with another friend provided some insight that books about sex aren’t necessarily a warning sign and can at times rev things up between a couple. 

There’s a lot of crap out there written by a lot of idiots.  There are some that are pretty straightforward–encyclopedic.  Some are fun and some are insightful.

I personally never look to a book for advice on sex.

I might read a book to learn more about areas of sex or relationships I don’t have much experience with…one can sometimes benefit from the experience of others, provided that the author is smart and has the proper attitude.

It can also be exciting at times to read about things that others have done even if you, yourself, would not necessarily do it…and that excitement can translate to excitement in your bedroom (or kitchen or living room or elevator, etc).”

Similar to advice books, no two people are so alike that a book is going to be a be-all end-all guide.  Since the series came out, I’ve read a little more erotica, some sex-based memoirs, and attended an erotic literature reading–people are into different things and communication is the key for a couple to figure out how they work together.  There is no final answer in a book that will solve problems in the bed.  What books can do is turn up the heat a little…

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Adam’s Curse by Bryan Sykes (Part One)

12th January, 2010 by Christina - 3 Comments

Like every other little girl out there, when I was young I had discussions with my friends about how boys were stupid and the world would be a better place without them.  By the time I was having these conversations, the idea that the world could be populated without a need for two sexes seemed viable as there was a successful test-tube baby and knowledge in the field of genetics was growing by leaps and bounds.

Adam’s Curse starts with the premise that it really is quite possible to one day produce fatherless babies, and this is the curse of the Y chromosome–in the game of genetics, the war between the sexes is more than man versus woman.  It starts at a far smaller level–Y versus X.  And over time, the Y chromosome has become slow and sluggish, and out of millions, more sperm are impotent than fertile.  With our current method of producing offspring, this could be the death knell for humans. 

DNA of humans is created in an analogy of puzzle pieces, magnets, locks and keys.  Locks and keys may conjure up images of anatomy, but at the cellular level, locks cannot open locks, puzzle pieces only fit indent to protrusion, magnets are attracted plus to minus.  And so egg cannot fertilize egg and sperm cannot fertilize sperm. The Y chromosome is only produced paternally, women do not carry that particular bit of genetic code, and as it mutates and eventually becomes ineffective there will need to be a new way of reproducing. 

Some species have alternate ways of determining sex which Sykes explains.  From bees to marine worms to cloning and weather dependant triggers, the human method of determining gender is not the only one available to life.  In fact, the cloning methods are much better in scheme of quantity–the advantage we have is that the mix of DNA allows for evolution through mixing two different genetic codes. 

The likelihood of humans evolving to a cloning state of being is unlikely if not at least a long way off.  Cloning, the passing along of the same genetic code over and over puts us at risk for susceptibility to disease that out current mash-up prevents.  With our test-tube babies we can circumvent this problem as scientists work on using mitochondrial DNA to blend two parents codes into one new life.  Essentially, two moms. 

However, as Sykes points out, the field of genetics is relatively new and constantly changing.  Long held truths are believed for decades before being dispelled and most of the progress has occurred over the past thirty years.  Junior literally having two mommies is not something that’s going to happen tomorrow. 

And this is an interesting point because it doesn’t necessarily mean that all test-tube babies will be produced in such a manner.  Until the Y chromosome craps out completely, it cans still be extracted from weak sperm to continue the existence of the male of the species.  It does mean that gay couples will be able to have their own children without relying on a donor and this brings us to the major problem of the book.

Homosexuality is a big question.  Nature versus Nurture is still considered a possibility as the gay gene discovered in the early ’90s turned out to be not a gay gene.  The determining sequence of proteins might still be out there, we just don’t know where it is.  While this information fits squarely with the rest of the book, Sykes then alienates his readers by postulating on theories that don’t seem be based on more than general theory accumulated from other (potentially faulty) areas of genetic knowledge.  The chapter comes across as a biased opinion, the more so for focusing exclusively on male homosexuality as it degenerates into insult suggesting that sexual orientation is determined by the X chromosome’s failed attempt to abort the fetus* in order to prevent the Y chromosome from continuing on.  Logically this doesn’t work as, despite the gender of attraction, a gay male is still perfectly capable of having sex with a woman resulting in a baby boy. 

Halfway through the book, I had scanned other reviews and noticed that the gay chapter was returned to over and over as being the downfall of the book.  People could look past the fact that occasionally Sykes spent more time talking about the architecture of a library than in breaking down the basics of how DNA works.  What they could not look over were two points–the first that so much of the book is taken up by a Freshman Biology 101 lesson with the curse condensed into one chapter at the end; the second that a chapter that could have been fleshed out with fact and valid information about the future of the Y chromosome reads as a stereotype when Sykes states that the failed abortion concept results in a nursemaid to help the mother raise other children. 

In Part Two of this review we’ll talk about how men and my mother are the root of all evil and why one day your children’s children will all belong to the Duggar family.

* Recently, Boing Boing posted links to a few books that discuss “how non-procreative sex can be beneficial to a species” (emphasis mine in quote below):

I also recommend Bruce Bagemihl’s Biological Exuberance, an extensive catalog of diverse sexual development and behavior.  Their work challenges those who claim that non-procreative sexual behaviors are “maladaptive evolution” because they don’t allow the individual to leave more offspring, but it’s clear from many of our closest genetic relatives (especially bonobos) that sex is not just about reproduction.  It is often about strengthening social bonds within groups, and that same-sex activity is an important part of that.

Our genes do not care about love or morality–they care about not dying through passing themselves a long.  DNA has issues with wanting to be immortal.  I do, however, think it unethical to present a theory as truth in a field that is still growing constantly by leaps and bounds.  Anyone interested in learning more should not take any one book at face value.  Each of these authors, from Sykes to Joan Roughgarden, seem to be accused of having a hidden agenda by readers and rival scientists.

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The Sexual Life of Catherine M. by Catherine Millet

29th September, 2009 by Christina - 3 Comments

Maybe this time I can write a review of The Sexual Life of Catherine M. with Banned Book Week in mind and without getting off on some tangent.

When the book was first published it gave rise to much controversy. Overall The Sexual Life of Catherine M. is a clinical analysis of her sex life, which makes the reading almost bland. Except it’s about sex, so by nature of the subject passages are titillating. Catherine’s own exuberance for the experiences rarely comes across. So if the book is boring, what makes people concerned about it?

Catherine Millet is the first female author to write about her sex life in a frank and honest way–this is not erotica or romance. It is a truthful memoir and the title accurately captures the message. The “Sexual Life”–the double meaning that she is writing about the sexual aspect of her life and the fact that her life is quite sexual.

And I think this scares us, the same way that you rarely see someone hanging out in the erotica section scares us, particularly Americans. For some reason, despite the sexual revolution, despite liberal ideas that have formed over the past few decades, Americans are still prim and afraid of their sexuality–particularly female sexuality. We refer to the man who gets around as a “man-whore” or a “womanizer” but do not condemn him for it. Put a woman in his place–make her a strong woman with a grand sense of her own sexuality like Samantha on Sex in the City and she’s still a “slut” with all the connotations the word invokes. For every advance we’ve made in equality of the sexes, it seems we haven’t come far at all.

Catherine is unapologetic for her voracious sexual appetite. She talks about things that even the chatty-cathys sharing their love life at lunch keep quiet about. But none of the acts she engages in are all that rare or disturbing–group, public, anal–they may not be the most common sex acts, but they are far from uncommon. Yet somehow they still have a stigma of taboo.

For all the advances, sex still retains the stigma of shame. Our world is one of mixed signals that women can enjoy sexual freedom. We have the right to say yes, the right to say no, the pill, abortion, single mothers–and yet we are still judged in the eyes of others for our actions. The one who says yes is a whore, the one who says no is a tease or a prude, abortion is killing, the pill is unnatural, single mothers should have been more careful.

The shame starts early. Catherine makes note of how she was berated for discovering her body and masturbating as a child. Parents tell children that a stork brings babies, and avoid THE TALK, leaving it to educators. Sex Ed is about the anatomic workings of ovaries and pushes abstinence.

When I was little, about five or six, I had a book called Where Did I Come From? It was written with the fact that children are not dumb in mind and featured cartoons in full-frontal nudity (men and women!), taking the reader though the basic process of how sex worked. I can’t see many school libraries allowing this book on their shelves despite being geared towards children, but I think it should be. The idea that we must shelter children and protect them seems to do more harm than good as sex becomes dirty, taboo, and forbidden.

I sometimes wonder if parental guidance and Sex Ed classes should focus equally on the emotional side of sex. It might make for healthier adults who are able to self-analyze the way Catherine does in order to make the choices best for them. In college, I knew many a girl who claimed to be sexually free only to return from a “walk of shame” horrified at her actions. We do our younger members of society no good if we can’t talk openly and honestly about sex to help them grow into that aspect of adulthood.

Maybe that change needs to start with language, so long as many terms referring to sex have negative connotations, people can’t help but feel shamed. A Newsweek article recently pointed out that “cunt” is going the same way as “fuck” has in the past few years–it’s losing its bite. But it’s not the swears and curse words that we need to fear, it’s the general phrases and their meanings. The way to circumvent that is to get it out in the open and talk about it. Hiding books about sex doesn’t help and THE TALK puts more pressure on parents than an open dialogue early on does.

For me, sex belongs in the same category as alcohol, weed, or guns–teaching respect through education is healthier than ignoring the subject or inciting irrational fear. And leaving out the emotional and physical aspects to focus on the anatomical and basic only helps encourage peer pressure and spontaneous risky action. Teenagers are going to drink, and have sex, and smoke weed. Isn’t it better to give them the tools and encouragement to talk about what they’re going through than to make them keep secrets because of the overlying impression that what they are doing is wrong and will get them into trouble? I’m not suggesting putting this book in an elementary school library, but I don’t see anything wrong with a 17-year-old reading it.

Shame prevents us from looking too deeply inside ourselves, it prevents us from asking for help, and hinders healthy relationships. We don’t like reminders of our shame or for others to bypass that shame and so we shun the sluts and challenge the books that make use confront our fears. Challenging isn’t necessarily a bad thing–it forces us to examine and understand our own convictions. It opens the door to dialogue that could bring us to a point where books like The Sexual Life of Catherine M., a memoir about the sexual side of life, don’t get people in a tizzy over impropriety. If language is the concern, I have to ask, why let words bother you, especially when they pertain to the subject at hand and can be used in a positive light?

I read the majority of this book on the subway. It was sort of a self-imposed dare. People have sex, it’s natural. Reading about it in private continues to make sex mysterious and shameful. Admittedly, the first few outings were a bit embarrassing as I wondered what the person next to me would think if they glanced at the page–each running with a similar tone of “I put his cock into my mouth and reached out for two more.” As time went on, I became less worried–first of all, who cares what the stranger next to me thinks? And secondly, sex happens, and when it’s not happening, it’s being thought about.

In The Island of Doctor Moreau, the humanized animals eventually revert back to their original instincts and habits. Putting a lock on sex doesn’t protect children, it just turns them into neurotic adults. We’re going to do it and think about it and talk about it–sex should be private because it’s personal, not because of what others may think and how we’ve been taught to act.

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Love & Books: Between The Pages…And Sheets

24th July, 2009 by Christina - 3 Comments

The original plan for today was to talk about the assumptions we make about other people’s books.  And we sort of will–but with a slight divergence. 

Over dinner last night a friend told me she thought it was hilarious that no one owned up to owning any sex books.  She then proceeded to tell me a great story about the risks they pose in a relationship.  

Dating is like traversing a field waiting to step on a landmine that proves our assumptions about the other person–we read that we should pay attention to how they treat the waitstaff at dinner and compare their actions to our exes.  What we are looking for is a number of things.  Are they a kind person?  Will they make a good partner or parent?  How are they in bed?

Those assumptions can be compounded when we see their book collection and even more so when we see what sex books they own.  For the sake of this story, we’ll call my friend Lizzy and the guy in question John.

Lizzy had been going out with John for a little while and things were going pretty alright.  John was an intellectual and adventurer–traits Lizzy admired. 

Being a published author, books were of special importance to him. Upon first glance, it was very clear that his collection of books were arranged and selected as if being curated.

One night, back at his place, she noticed a book.  How to Make Love All Night:  And Drive a Woman Wild! 

She looked at it inquiringly and asked him about it.  John said he owned the book because you can never have too many techniques.  So she opened it up to take a look and said to him,

Oh, no.  No woman wants this.  No woman wants to do it All.  Night.  Long. 

Her first assumption having now looked into this book was that John wasn’t going to be good in bed if he was using a book that so little met the needs of what women actually wants as crib-notes.  And she was right. 

At this point in her life, Lizzy was looking to settle down and thought she’d maybe found “The One.”  He was great in many ways, except the sex.  So she resigned herself to a life of bad sex; maybe it wouldn’t be such a terrible hardship.  She did make him give up the book.  The apartment building he lived in had a table in which the inhabitants would leave the occasional tchotchke for others to take.  The book spent three weeks on the table (lingering long after the troll statues had been grabbed) and one day disappeared. 

Eventually, Lizzy and John broke up.  He apparently had big-time commitment issues that she’d been willing to overlook along with the lack of decent love making. 

[When] I saw [the book] immediately my suspicions began.  This man was going to be bad in bed, or had issues with women.  He didn’t know what to do or how to communicate with his partner regarding intimate issues.  Of course, I chose to ignore all of that, which only lead to heartbreak later…but live and learn!  All of my suspicions were true!

Advice books are supposed to guide us and help us become better people, even between the sheets.  Yet, more often then not we find ourselves complaining about both the ones marketed to us and for the opposite sex.  I was sure, however, that there had to be some good books out there.  Or maybe it was not so much the books, but how individuals approached the content.  Discussing Lizzy’s story with another friend provided some insight that books about sex aren’t necessarily a warning sign and can at times rev things up between a couple. 

There’s a lot of crap out there written by a lot of idiots.  There are some that are pretty straightforward–encyclopedic.  Some are fun and some are insightful.

I personally never look to a book for advice on sex.

I might read a book to learn more about areas of sex or relationships I don’t have much experience with…one can sometimes benefit from the experience of others, provided that the author is smart and has the proper attitude.

It can also be exciting at times to read about things that others have done even if you, yourself, would not necessarily do it… and that excitement can translate to excitement in your bedroom (or kitchen or living room or elevator, etc).

After our discussion, it was clear that John may have benefited from the advice in a book, he just made a very poor choice in choosing a book.  Based on other factors, and her story, Lizzy and I made the assumption that one day, after he felt enough time had passed, John had probably gone back downstairs to salvage the book and hide it away in hopes of using it for future reference.  However, bad advice is still bad advice and doesn’t help one learn from the mistakes of a past relationship.

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