Love & Books Redux – Part 1

4th February, 2010 by Christina - 2 Comments

After the Love & Books series was completed, I occasionally received notes telling me how much a reader enjoyed the series or their own thoughts on the questions and topics covered in the series. 

Two different replies to my initial survey and kick-off post, Love In The Stacks, vetted the same idea–reading is a hobby.  We often want the people we decide to date to have similar interests, but what I learned from these responses is that it’s not the hobbies themselves that are important, but the approach to life.  Dating someone with hobbies and interests that you don’t share (or vice versa–they don’t share yours) can be a way to explore and learn about new things.  In fact, wouldn’t dating a carbon copy of yourself be rather dull?

No two people are exactly alike.  You will have your interests and they will have theirs.  Not all hobbies will mesh, and that can lead to discord (you like to travel the world, they have no interest in leaving the town they grew up in), but others can be complimentary to one another.  If your partner has no interest in reading it doesn’t mean you have to stop.  It just means that you have to schedule your time appropriately–maybe you read while they work on that ship in a bottle or bring a book with you to their weekly softball game. 

Respect is important in a relationship–you must respect their hobbies and interests while they must respect yours.  Go ahead and use their interests as inspiration for the books you buy.  They love space?  Find an astronaut’s memoir and see if it will help you understand why they find the subject so fascinating.  You don’t have to develop an undying love, you simply need to understand.

In the comments for the first Love & Books post, Marcelo made this observation:

For me it was never about someone who reads or doesn’t read as much as finding someone who was interested in something, a learner who isn’t above finding new things and trying new ideas out for size.

Readers are by nature curious.  Through books we are constantly learning and must respect that for some people reading is not easy (various learning and reading disabilities) and that one can still have that same curious approach to life through other avenues of exploration.

My favorite part of the post touched on the theme as well:  

All of this got me thinking about the people we choose to date.  I’ve dated plenty of non-geeks and there’s a reason I think those relationships didn’t work out.  There was a mental disconnect–we wanted to talk about different things.  When one date mentioned (proudly) that he hadn’t picked up a book since high school, I should have been tipped off to run the other way.  Our approaches to life were drastically different and we had nothing to talk about for the handful of months we were together.  I learned through these relationships and through my singledom what it was I wanted in a partner, how I expected to be treated, and a lot about myself.

There’s a quote that came my way not too long ago.  I have no clue where it came from, but it struck a chord with me and I’d love to give credit where credit is due:

                 Don’t date someone who’s exciting.  Date someone who is interesting.

That’s the thing about geeks–those of us who read a lot and like to share what we got out of the book or who have really odd hobbies have a wealth of stuff to talk about.  When you and the person you are with have a variety of interests, it opens new worlds of things to try, learn, and talk about even if your interests are different.  

It wasn’t so much that there were no books in their homes as the fact that those exes had a complacent approach to life or whose existance centered around partying that did not work for me.  I was dating exciting men who went out every night of the week, who were bold and charismatic–it was definitely exciting to be with the man that other women wanted, who would buy rounds of drinks, and get past the velvet rope.  But there was little substance underneath that partying. 

Where I found inspiration in books, someone else found it in music or movies or sports.  It wasn’t the fact that they were not readers that made the relationships fail–it was the fact that we had vastly different approaches to life that were reflected in our interests.

Looking at my parents’ relationship, I can see this clearly–my mother has no interest in space or physics, but she understands that these are things my father loves–things that motivate and inspire him.  So she attends his model rocket launches and listens to him explain some mumbo-jumbo that sounds like a the teacher in Peanuts cartoons.  Likewise, you will find him helping her scroll through microfiche to find some elusive birth certificate as she tracks down the family tree.  They have their shared interests and they have their time to individually go to their own thing. 

What attracts us to someone in the first place is someone’s uniqueness.  It would be a shame to lose that in the interest of only dating people just like ourselves.

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Love & Books: Redux

3rd February, 2010 by Christina - 3 Comments

Do you follow Stacked on Twitter?  Yes? 

You many have noticed a link I recently include to the ever popular Time Out New York Singles Issue that is put out every February.  Yours truly has been included this year.  As I’m not particularly a fan of online dating and matchmaking services, writing a profile (three simple questions) was not at all easy!

The most difficult was:  ”What makes you a great catch?”  Say what?  I know why I like me–but what is it that makes guys like me?  I asked a number of male friends and they had some awesome responses that I almost used (Rik–who was featured in the issue last year:  “I’m cute, I’m smart, I’ve got my shit together,” Ryan:  ”Brains, Boobs, Brass”), but my favorite conversation came from Matt as we tried to put that special something into words:

You are a catch because you are constantly trying to figure out ways to be even geekier.

I need to word that better but what I think is so awesome about you is that it seems like every time I talk to you, you’re like, “OMG, so I decided I am going to learn ancient Macedonian this weekend” or “I saw a picture of Leonard Nimoy on the subway today so I decided to start watching Star Trek.”

With Valentine’s Day approaching and my single status plastered in a magazine all over New York, I’ve ended up with dating on the brain.  You may recall that I did a series last year called Love & Books wherein I surveyed people to find out how books play a role in dating, sex, and relationships.  The series started with a post about Word’s new matchmaking services–a literary-based personals board.  Actually, that board was the inspiration for the series.  The board has been up for a year now, and while I didn’t get any responses (rather than feeling bad about my book preferences, we’re going to blame my handwriting), some regulars in the shop have been a little luckier.  Time Out New York wrote up an article that featured a few of the success stories (Russ Marshalek and Marley Magaziner) and still singles (Sherry Wasserman, who was the inspiration for the board) two weeks ago.*

Over the course of the year, I’ve seen a few articles on the subject of reading and its impact on relationship in magazines, newspapers, and other blogs.  Love and relationship are a regular “go-to” topic, and people who are passionate about their books often hope to find the same in a partner. 

So, from now until Valentine’s Day, in between reviews and rants about books, there will be the return of LOVE & BOOKS!!!!  It was a popular series and things change over time, so I’ll showcase some of my favorite passages and links and would love to hear how people feel about the subjects covered a year later.

*I’ve met Russ briefly, but I am a fan of his on Twitter.  His tweets are obnoxiously awesome.  I had a chance to chat with Sherry at the Word/TONY singles mixer, and she is adorably fantastic.

** I’d also like to note that in the picture, the upper right is a photo of Rachel Kramer Bussel of the In The Flesh reading series fame.

3 Comments

The Melting Season by Jami Attenberg

18th December, 2009 by Christina - 1 Comment

When she heard that I was reading this book, a friend of mine said she couldn’t wait to hear what I thought of it. Despite a large pile of books all hoping to be read before the new year, for whatever reason I decided that The Melting Season was the book to read one evening even though the description on the back did nothing for me.  When a friend heard I was reading it, she told me she wanted to hear my thoughts as she found the book to be “interesting.”

“Interesting” is a good word to describe it.  The tone of the book is that of a friend who just needs to talk through a problem.  There is no need or room for you to offer advice; your job is just to listen while they sort it all out.  Most of the time you never get to see the full outcomes of the choices the friend makes–only visible surface changes and what they choose to tell us.

It’s easy to let our past dictate our behavior, and not so easy to pull away to make the changes we need to be happy and fulfilled humans.  Most of the time we keep people an arms length away lest they cause us to analyze just what it is that is making us so unhappy and allowing us to ignore the truths that too much introspection can uncover.

Actually running away, as Catherine does, does not solve anything.  The mental hang-ups are all still there waiting.  What it does do is remove her from the space where all her bias and concerns reside.  Getting away provides a breathing space from which to reevaluate all that has happened to her. 

While I’ve done no official studies, I’ve found that some of the most private people I know are more inclined to tell a stranger whom they will never see again their story.  The fear of judgement, the need to hide truths as a result, that is all removed.  The people Catherine meets in Las Vegas are just passing through her life and allow her to to look at how sheltered she has made herself to escape twisted family dynamics and the disturbing influence of others on her. 

I think in recommending The Melting Season, I’d say the same as my friend…it’s interesting.  I didn’t dislike it and am curious as to what other people thought of it, but it’s tough to put your finger on just what it is about this book.  Maybe that reaction is because we all have secrets, things we don’t want to face that have clearly shaped who we are and need to be dealt with before we can move on.  It’s difficult to admit and even more difficult to take the first steps necessary. 

*Stacked received a copy of The Melting Season from Lydia at Putnam Books/Riverhead Books, who occasionally passes along books she thinks Stacked readers might be interested in.

1 Comment

New World Monkeys by Nancy Mauro

15th December, 2009 by Christina - 3 Comments

Nancy Mauro is one of those authors who also knows how to perform when at a reading.  I had the opportunity to hear her read from New World Monkeys at the Center for Fiction a few months back and was sold on the book immediately.  Here is an author who knows her characters so well that she can change voice to capture the nuance of their speech and thought while presenting to an audience.

The opening chapter of the book is surreal and causes the reader to question where on earth this story is headed because–did they just really run into a wild boar in upstate New York?

Mauro captured a hilarity in the horror of dealing with the situation and the underlying currents of the relationship between Lily and Duncan.  From this heightened absurdity, we slip into the mundanity of a failing relationship–the over-analysis and shifted blame that comes with communication lapses over time. 

There are moments of reading that are just so boring, and purposefully so.  There is, after all, something so terribly boring about real life.  It is these moments that make other situations presented in the story seem so outlandish; they provide a strong contrast to the concept of truth being stranger than fiction.  And in many cases, truths they are–man is a vile depraved beast with no redeeming qualities, such as Lloyd’s disturbing behavior, and the acts he witnesses in others are all too common and only seem more so set among the stacks of a small town library or the fact that the town rallies behind a obvious lunatic.

Mauro captures something poignant in her title with a theme that does not smack the reader upside the head with a crow-bar. Rather, it runs quietly throughout the book–as life progresses, we all evolve and devolve as we try to make sense of it all. 

Truth be told, I probably wouldn’t have picked New World Monkeys up had I just come across it on a table in some bookstore.  The reading is what sold me on it–similar to having a friend passionately describe why they loved a book. When a reading is done in a dry monotone, I can’t get excited about the book because the author isn’t excited about the book.  But when the author is fully behind the words they set to page, I can’t help but want to read it.  And in this case was quite pleased that I had.

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Juliet, Naked by Nick Hornby

13th October, 2009 by Marcelo - 1 Comment

Nick Hornby’s new novel Juliet, Nakedis a touching, illuminating, but ultimately incomplete novel. As my eyes glossed over the final pages I felt a certain sadness creeping in, a sadness that the threads of the novel weren’t going to wrap up, that the author had instead chosen to leave everything ambiguous and unfinished. And while sometimes that works and I get Hornby’s point, in this particular case I wanted more.

The plot concerns a couple of British proto-hipsters who live in a dreary seaside town. All they have are each other, the various tomes of pop culture–DVDs, albums, books–they pore over together, and the snark that they share. But Annie isn’t really happy with this arrangement and Duncan is too obsessed and self-centered to realize it. Duncan’s ultimate focus is the music of long-lost Tucker Crowe, who abruptly ended his music career in a Minneapolis toilet stall in 1986 before becoming a Pynchon-esque private recluse with a few failed marriages and scarred children who barely ever see him (save his youngest son Jackson). When Crowe releases a series of acoustic demos of his greatest album, Juliet(hence the title), it catalyzes the disconnect Annie and Duncan feel towards each other, and as their relationship begins to fall apart, Annie’s negative review of the album on a message board draws the attention of Crowe himself, and the two begin an email relationship.

There is a lot to like here. The book is never slow, never stumbles in its pacing or its storytelling. Duncan’s character is both exasperating and completely understandable, especially to supergeeks like myself. Hornby knows (probably very intimately) the character traits of the obsessive music fan, the arrogance he feels towards people with different opinions, the over-analysis of song lyrics and meanings that spill over into over-analyzing the meaning of real life. Some of the conversations between Annie and Duncan at the twilight of their relationship are painfully real. Duncan’s obsessiveness and tactlessness become an asset at a crucial point in the story, and the character rises above a caricature and becomes a real person. Most importantly, Hornby never lets his characters become the whiny pop-culture addicted Gen X nincompoops that fill so many other books. I always cared about the characters and wanted them to succeed.

But in the end, while I admired and liked the book, I was disappointed. The ending is woefully difficult and incomplete, and I think that’s on purpose. Hornby lets you know early on that Tucker Crowe isn’t about to go back onstage and write a new album. His relationship with Annie isn’t a way for him to rekindle his creative career. I get what Hornby is trying to say. Life isn’t like music where you can look back on an experience and definitively write an album about it and consider the matter closed. Life is always an open question and artists are real people filled with boredom and mundanity just like we are. But that doesn’t make the book’s ambiguous ending any more satisfying, especially when the characters are so endearing that we want to know how they end up and Hornby stubbornly refuses to give us that information. Tucker’s story sort of stops with a bit of a shrug, and Annie’s final actions in the book seem completely out of character and unjustifiable, while Duncan’s arc has no real resolution. It all just kind of stops with a bunch of threads left hanging.

If you can deal with that kind of ending you can definitely find things to enjoy about the book. As I said before, the characters are totally endearing. I saw real people I know in them and I followed them breathlessly from one chapter to the next. And if you’re a music fan, you will definitely see some of yourself in Duncan, Annie, and Tucker. But overall I would give this book a reserved recommendation, a solid B-minus–an enjoyable, well-written, but ultimately frustrating novel.

*The book was received as a review copy from Riverhead Books.

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I Loved, I Lost, I Made Spaghetti by Giulia Melucci

30th September, 2009 by Christina - 4 Comments

A few months ago, a friend sent me a link to the New York Times article featuring Giulia Melucci, author of I Loved, I Lost, I Made Spaghetti. Based on the the write-up and her own experiences, she had decided to read the book as it seemed rather in line with the direction her own love life had been heading.

Over the past weekend, I stopped by the library to borrow some movies and while passing the “New Non-fiction” shelf, recognized the cover. About twenty pages in I was calling my mother to tell her she had to read this book.

Originally, I don’t think I had too much interest in picking up yet another memoir about finding yourself and love through food. The title, the premise–Eat, Pray, Love and Julie and Julia–and now yet another samey-samey book. Sadly, despite the New York Times review, I don’t think Melucci’s book is getting the credit it deserves. It’s been overshadowed by the publicity push and movie deals of the previous two books.

It’s a shame because out of the three this book seemed the best written, most engaging, and honest. Focusing on her desire for–and disappointing lack of–love, Melucci admits her flaws, doesn’t place blame, is self-deprecating without over doing it, has a flair for a nice turn of phrase, and inspires with her sense of hope. She more an “everywoman” than the aforementioned authors.

Oh, and her book will make you so frickin’ hungry. Even if you’re eating dinner while reading it.

I Loved, I Lost, I Made Spaghetti is a love story. Not to any of her past paramours, but to soul food. Depending on where you grew up, your definition of what good comfort food is might be different than mine–but I think most people would agree that after a break-up a warm plate of spaghetti with avocado slices, cherry tomatoes, and locatelli (That’s a cheese for you non-Italians. Is it lunch time yet?) is the perfect soothing dish.

Melucci’s writing style comes across as a conversation with an Italian who, in the midst of the story, remembers a meal and has to tell you the recipe immediately! because it’s just that good. I bet Melucci can’t talk without using her hands. She reminded me a lot of my family and the meals that were a part of my childhood (pastina–seriously one of the best inventions EVER!) and, like my family, her Sicilian background meant awesome desserts.* When I was in Sicily two years ago, it was like dessert heaven–all the marzipan and cannolis and gelato and no one does dessert like the Sicilians. I’m getting hungry again just writing this.

Through her ups and down, her loss of faith in love and resurgence of said faith, Melucci conveys that need to just go with the flow and let life happen. Time is too short to regret and goes by too quickly not to laugh at it all.
*There is a huge dearth of dessert recipes in the book, which is okay for me I guess, I already have a killer cannoli filling recipe and a shop where I can pick up great marzipan. Such a shame for the rest of you though.

4 Comments

Love & Books: The Old Book And Chain

29th July, 2009 by Christina - 1 Comment

Here we are at the final installment of Love & Books.  I was hoping to include two stories but feel they will have to wait for another time as the series has been running long enough. 

On Monday we talked about how singles who are avid readers will sometimes judge another person’s long-term prospects based on their reading preferences.  Today, the marrieds.*  

Now, once you’ve got past the early “getting to know you” and “do I really want to be in a relationship with this person” phase of dating, you find yourself in a long-term relationship where you may not like the reading material of your significant other, but you look at their collection of Star Wars novels as a lovable fault rather than a deal breaker. 

Few of our married respondents had the same book taste as their other (better?) half and this didn’t bother them at all. 

Linda pointed out that while she has her books and her husband has his, “we talk about the books we read all the time. I love hearing about the fantasy worlds that his books are set in.” 

Because of this, Linda has started to read more sci-fi, a trend other respondents reported as well: they were more inclined to read a book because their spouse recommended it.  In cases like Marcelo’s, he finds there is the occasional overlap and will often encourage his fiancee  Hannah (for two more days!) to read books he has recently finished and feels very passionately about.  He admits that it doesn’t always work but Hannah has started to read a little more steampunk and is interested in a few books, like Little Brother, that Marcelo talks about regularly.

Some of our couples have common reading time but rarely is it scheduled time.  The closest response to scheduled reading time came from Marcelo,

We used to go to our favorite coffee shop and read together in the morning but that no longer works because the shop closed down. Now many times we just read together at night or on the weekend.

Jamie and Kurt (who were the only couple to both fill-out the survey) mentioned they will often discuss  books over meals and like many couples, 

We don’t have a specified reading time, but we do read together sometimes–even more so when on vacation. We often read each other tidbits we find interesting from books, magazines, news stories, etc.

For couples who do not discuss books or share reading time, it was important that their spouse respect the time they choose to read.  Some find the easiest way to accommodate both halves of the couple was to read while the other was engaged in another activity, for example, reading while one watched television or was busy building model rockets or researching geneology (that example is my parents by the way).

Most of our couples have a library card for each person but have a tendency to use only one. As Jamie pointed out, the cards are free, so why wouldn’t you each get a card?  Plus, two cards mean you can check-out even more books!There was a broad mix of couples going to the library as a couple, picking-up pre-reserved or list of books for the other, or picking out something for the other on their own. 

Very few people, like Marge and Linda, felt comfortable picking-out a book for their spouse on their own, even if very aware of the other’s preferences.  Marge let us know that she has attempted to get her husband books as gifts in the past but has learned that he is too specific to veer off a list while Linda admits to picking some “real losers” when she’s tried to find something for her husband to read.

For people like Care, being married for most of her adult life mean that her reading habits haven’t changed much over the years.  Other respondents felt the same;  planning the wedding or having kids have interfered with free-time on occasion. But overall, their love of reading keeps them reaching for books and making the time.  Being in a relationship has, on occasion, allowed them to talk more about what they are reading than when they were single. 

Multiple respondents said that their relationship has broadened their minds to new genres Linda’s husband now reads graphic novels because of her and Jamie has started reading more history books because of Kurt.  The relationship has allowed people to appreciate and notice things in books that they otherwise would not have without the experience of being with the person they love.

*It is easier to easier to just typed “marrieds” than “people in long-term relationhips” constantly even though the descriptor of “marrieds” is not accurate for the respondants as many are in common-law marriages, reflecting on past marriages, engaged, or just happily with someone for a long time.

1 Comment

Love & Books: Between The Pages…And Sheets

24th July, 2009 by Christina - 3 Comments

The original plan for today was to talk about the assumptions we make about other people’s books.  And we sort of will–but with a slight divergence. 

Over dinner last night a friend told me she thought it was hilarious that no one owned up to owning any sex books.  She then proceeded to tell me a great story about the risks they pose in a relationship.  

Dating is like traversing a field waiting to step on a landmine that proves our assumptions about the other person–we read that we should pay attention to how they treat the waitstaff at dinner and compare their actions to our exes.  What we are looking for is a number of things.  Are they a kind person?  Will they make a good partner or parent?  How are they in bed?

Those assumptions can be compounded when we see their book collection and even more so when we see what sex books they own.  For the sake of this story, we’ll call my friend Lizzy and the guy in question John.

Lizzy had been going out with John for a little while and things were going pretty alright.  John was an intellectual and adventurer–traits Lizzy admired. 

Being a published author, books were of special importance to him. Upon first glance, it was very clear that his collection of books were arranged and selected as if being curated.

One night, back at his place, she noticed a book.  How to Make Love All Night:  And Drive a Woman Wild! 

She looked at it inquiringly and asked him about it.  John said he owned the book because you can never have too many techniques.  So she opened it up to take a look and said to him,

Oh, no.  No woman wants this.  No woman wants to do it All.  Night.  Long. 

Her first assumption having now looked into this book was that John wasn’t going to be good in bed if he was using a book that so little met the needs of what women actually wants as crib-notes.  And she was right. 

At this point in her life, Lizzy was looking to settle down and thought she’d maybe found “The One.”  He was great in many ways, except the sex.  So she resigned herself to a life of bad sex; maybe it wouldn’t be such a terrible hardship.  She did make him give up the book.  The apartment building he lived in had a table in which the inhabitants would leave the occasional tchotchke for others to take.  The book spent three weeks on the table (lingering long after the troll statues had been grabbed) and one day disappeared. 

Eventually, Lizzy and John broke up.  He apparently had big-time commitment issues that she’d been willing to overlook along with the lack of decent love making. 

[When] I saw [the book] immediately my suspicions began.  This man was going to be bad in bed, or had issues with women.  He didn’t know what to do or how to communicate with his partner regarding intimate issues.  Of course, I chose to ignore all of that, which only lead to heartbreak later…but live and learn!  All of my suspicions were true!

Advice books are supposed to guide us and help us become better people, even between the sheets.  Yet, more often then not we find ourselves complaining about both the ones marketed to us and for the opposite sex.  I was sure, however, that there had to be some good books out there.  Or maybe it was not so much the books, but how individuals approached the content.  Discussing Lizzy’s story with another friend provided some insight that books about sex aren’t necessarily a warning sign and can at times rev things up between a couple. 

There’s a lot of crap out there written by a lot of idiots.  There are some that are pretty straightforward–encyclopedic.  Some are fun and some are insightful.

I personally never look to a book for advice on sex.

I might read a book to learn more about areas of sex or relationships I don’t have much experience with…one can sometimes benefit from the experience of others, provided that the author is smart and has the proper attitude.

It can also be exciting at times to read about things that others have done even if you, yourself, would not necessarily do it… and that excitement can translate to excitement in your bedroom (or kitchen or living room or elevator, etc).

After our discussion, it was clear that John may have benefited from the advice in a book, he just made a very poor choice in choosing a book.  Based on other factors, and her story, Lizzy and I made the assumption that one day, after he felt enough time had passed, John had probably gone back downstairs to salvage the book and hide it away in hopes of using it for future reference.  However, bad advice is still bad advice and doesn’t help one learn from the mistakes of a past relationship.

3 Comments

Love & Books: My Advice To You

23rd July, 2009 by Christina - 3 Comments

When it comes to relationships, advice books seem to be a contentious topic.  No one wants to admit to reading/owning these books.  Yet somehow these books do well enough for publishers to be spitting them out onto display tables in bookstores around the world.

Now, I was intentionally vague when I asked in my survey if any participants had read and found useful any advice books, and if they would recommend any they’d read to others.  There are all sorts of interpretations of what qualifies as a book in the dating and relationship genre, so I’ll break it down into two main categories: Dating/Relationships and Sex.

Marcelo (yes, we allowed him to submit answers) told us that while he’s never read a dating specific book, he does recommend Difficult Conversations which is about relating to other people, and he has applied the principles to dating in the past.  He goes on to say that,

[It] is a must-read for anyone, whether it’s someone who has relationship issues or workplace troubles.  Other than that, I’ve found that dating advice books are a lot of fluff and hooey, and it’s very difficult to separate good from bad.

This is a stance almost all our participants had.  Yes, there might be a helpful one or two, but most are terrible and they’re all pretty much the same anyway even though dating and relationships are not “one size fits all.”  Marge also chimed in, claiming that dating and advice books are not necessarily helpful but are interesting.  When He’s Just Not That Into You was first published, many women claimed just that, “but I already know all this stuff!”  However, as much as we may know, it’s easy to get caught up in bad habits and repeat patterns that are counter to what we know is a healthy way of acting.

It was the idea of already knowing what is presented in advice books that sparked the idea for this Love & Books series.  Ari had written a post on Curious Illusion about finding herself again after the end of a relationship.  She had received Single: The Art of Being Satisfied, Fulfilled, and Independent .  She never got around to finishing the book and while packing for a move some time later rediscovered it only to realize she had learned how to be happy as a single without its help.  Time and time again, you hear people say that it’s when they stopped looking or truly became comfortable with themselves as a single that they met the person of their dreams.  Understanding your singleness and choices in dating is just as important as learning how to really listen to your partner.

Back to Marge–she has been married for almost twenty-five years.  With a daughter of dating age, she has from time to time read dating advice books.  Within her own relationship, the only advice book on the shelves is Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, a book that a few of our married participants own.  She holds a similar view of this book to her opinions on dating books.  Both she and her husband read the book,

We did read Men are from Mars, Women from Venus because we met the author and he signed the book for us.  We find it to be very interesting and actually thinking about it did learn alot about differences in the sexes from that book.  However, the author has been married about 3 times, so what does he know?

SO because everyone sort of brushed the question up and we had no respondents who had actually found any advice books useful, I guess we have to assume that the reason these books sell (and occasionally get adapted into movies) is because there are enough gullible people out there to keep buying newly published books hoping that maybe this one will help.  That’s probably not the truth of the matter, but with no one stepping up to say that a specific book really helped them learn how to meet people or make a relationship work, all we’re left with is assumptions.

By the way, the second category of sex:  NO ONE owned up to owning any sex books.  No Kama Sutra or the The Joy of Sex.  So I have no data to respond on and share with you all.  Which I think is a shame since sex is obviously a big fact in relationships, whether you are in a new or long-term relationship or happily single.  No information on this subject from some of you makes sense, but others of you I know are not modest and I am 100% sure that a few of you have a few tucked away (or in plain sight).  Interesting that everyone kept silent.

On a similar note, I was hoping to get at least one respondent talking about The Game (or similar “Master Pick-up Artist” type books).  I do know a woman who read it in hopes of gleaning some insight into the male brain but do not know any men who have read the book.  On the recommendation of the woman, I read the book and have some extremely strong (ranting) opinions about it.  While I’m all for socially awkward people learning to talk to the opposite sex, the methods presented in said books are more about casual sex than relationships which I feel is a sort of branch category as it’s not really dating.

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