11th February, 2010 by Christina - No Comments
And so we come to the end of the return of the Love & Books series. I don’t have much to add to what I want to share today. By far, this was my favorite post of the original series. It mostly had to do with the two conversations I had–one in person and one over instant messenger–and the fact that both had me laughing.
If you can’t laugh at sex, what can you laugh at?
One night, back at his place, she noticed a book. How to Make Love All Night: And Drive a Woman Wild!
She looked at it inquiringly and asked him about it. John said he owned the book because you can never have too many techniques. So she opened it up to take a look and said to him, “Oh, no. No woman wants this. No woman wants to do it All. Night. Long.”
What surprised me was how serious the conversations seemed once transposed into a post to discuss how books affect our relationships (and in tandem, our sex life). The funny is great, but what was important was the difference in approaches that John took in regards to books about sex compared to that of Lizzy and our mutual friend.
At this point in her life, Lizzy was looking to settle down and thought she’d maybe found “The One.” He was great in many ways, except the sex. So she resigned herself to a life of bad sex; maybe it wouldn’t be such a terrible hardship. She did make him give up the book. The apartment building he lived in had a table in which the inhabitants would leave the occasional tchotchke for others to take. The book spent three weeks on the table (lingering long after the troll statues had been grabbed) and one day disappeared.
Eventually, Lizzy and John broke up. He apparently had big-time commitment issues that she’d been willing to overlook along with the lack of decent love making.
“[When] I saw [the book] immediately my suspicions began. This man was going to be bad in bed, or had issues with women. He didn’t know what to do or how to communicate with his partner regarding intimate issues. Of course, I chose to ignore all of that, which only lead to heartbreak later…but live and learn! All of my suspicions were true!”
Advice books are supposed to guide us and help us become better people, even between the sheets. Yet, more often then not we find ourselves complaining about both the ones marketed to us and for the opposite sex. I was sure, however, that there had to be some good books out there. Or maybe it was not so much the books, but how individuals approached the content. Discussing Lizzy’s story with another friend provided some insight that books about sex aren’t necessarily a warning sign and can at times rev things up between a couple.
There’s a lot of crap out there written by a lot of idiots. There are some that are pretty straightforward–encyclopedic. Some are fun and some are insightful.
I personally never look to a book for advice on sex.
I might read a book to learn more about areas of sex or relationships I don’t have much experience with…one can sometimes benefit from the experience of others, provided that the author is smart and has the proper attitude.
It can also be exciting at times to read about things that others have done even if you, yourself, would not necessarily do it…and that excitement can translate to excitement in your bedroom (or kitchen or living room or elevator, etc).”
Similar to advice books, no two people are so alike that a book is going to be a be-all end-all guide. Since the series came out, I’ve read a little more erotica, some sex-based memoirs, and attended an erotic literature reading–people are into different things and communication is the key for a couple to figure out how they work together. There is no final answer in a book that will solve problems in the bed. What books can do is turn up the heat a little…
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9th February, 2010 by Christina - No Comments
I still don’t understand, and don’t believe I ever will, why love has to be so difficult. I do think that maybe something as easy as liking someone has accrued all these mixed social standards and niceties over time so that we are confused not by love itself but by all the messages telling us how to go about getting love.
Falling in love, being in a relationship–they are complicated because we make them so out of fear and insecurity. Along the way, some crafty souls realized that acting on others’ fear was a FANTASTIC way to make money. And so the self-help advice book was born.
Most advice books that subject around dating are geared towards women. We are somehow incomplete without a man, we are desperate and our approach is all wrong. There is no room for being happily single and confidently quirky. They tell us we can only be happy when we find a man and to do so we must play by their rules. Advice books prey on the weak, those brainwashed by movies and romance novels to feel that with each passing year they are too old to find love. They believe we are gullible, and despite following their advice to the letter, we are still doing something wrong and therefore need to buy the sequel.
Almost all of the people who took the original survey said that while they’ve read an advice book here and there, they don’t own any or particularly feel the need to shell over $20 for someone to give them common sense advice or a list of archaic and ridiculous rules that are an exception. What works for one person or couple might not be the best approach to dating and marriage for others. Just as our concept of what constitutes love is unique and individual, so is our approach to relationships; our choices do not fit perfectly into the formula or rules of advice books.
Despite my disdain for such books, some do find helpful advice and comfort in reading them. Some even provide amusement. While I (and my survey respondents) may not seek advice from them, other people do–proof of which comes in the form of new books being published and regularly snatched up. While the worst books prey on our fears, the best can serve as a reminder for things we know but do not practice. My favorite part of the original post reflects this:
Yes, there might be a helpful one or two, but most are terrible and they’re all pretty much the same anyway even though dating and relationships are not “one size fits all.” Marge also chimed in, claiming that dating and advice books are not necessarily helpful but are interesting. When He’s Just Not That Into You was first published, many women claimed just that, “but I already know all this stuff!” However, as much as we may know, it’s easy to get caught up in bad habits and repeat patterns that are counter to what we know is a healthy way of acting.
It was the idea of already knowing what is presented in advice books that sparked the idea for this Love & Books series. Ari had written a post on Curious Illusion about finding herself again after the end of a relationship. She had received Single: The Art of Being Satisfied, Fulfilled, and Independent . She never got around to finishing the book and while packing for a move some time later rediscovered it only to realize she had learned how to be happy as a single without its help. Time and time again, you hear people say that it’s when they stopped looking or truly became comfortable with themselves as a single that they met the person of their dreams. Understanding your singleness and choices in dating is just as important as learning how to really listen to your partner.
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8th February, 2010 by Christina - 2 Comments
As I re-read all the original Love & Books posts, a theme began to emerge that I discussed in Redux Part 1. It’s not the act of reading or the books themselves that attract us to other people, but what the books say about them and their world view and whether or not that image fits with the values of the viewer. We judge them based on our own experiences and beliefs, which for readers are often developed through books. In the original Love & Books post “Judge The One You’re With” I wrote:
Possibly one of the reasons we judge people based on the books we read is that we recognize how books have shaped our perceptions of the world. Similar to the way romantic comedies slightly color how women hope to have their own “meet-cute,” books can do the same, and not just in regard to meeting the love of our lives. We change our eating habits, our politics, our fascination with slugs, and so on because we have a relationship with the books as well as with a gamut of emotions that are manipulated by the words on the page.
Recently, I began reading the site Ophelia’s Webb thanks to a guest series titled “All You Need.” Each writer takes a stab at exploring what love is to them. Carlos Miceli explored the idea of what love really is and the fact that movies often color our expectations in the post “Is It Really Love?“ In the comments, readers of the blog discussed how movies shape our desires and perceptions of love. Books do the same thing. Ask any ardent fan of Jane Austen and they will often tell you that they are waiting on their own Mr. Darcy. Austen is considered to be the grandmother of the “chick-lit” novel–books about meeting someone and falling in love.
However, her themes often run deeper than modern ”chick-lit”, addressing circumstances of women in her own time. I pointed out in the comments that love as we know it today is very different from what it once was. Austen’s heroines married because they had to. Because women had no income or rights other than what was provided by father, brother, or husband. Lizzie Bennett is one of the earliest examples of a literary woman insisting on marrying for love in a time where liking your husband meant you lucked out. Not all of Austen’s characters marry for love the way Lizzie and her sister Jane do. Marianne in Sense & Sensibility falls in love as it is presented in movies–the heady and passionate whirlwind of lust–only to have her heart broken before agreeing to marry the constant, loyal, and kind Colonel Brandon who can provide for her.
Love alone can’t carry a relationship because while we all share a generalized view, our own personal definitions of the word vary, and we all require our own concept of traits that create a successful relationship and make up a cohesive whole that we consider love. There is more to it than fluffy clouds and long days spent in bed. Love for each person is an amalgamation of feelings and values, one of the most agreed upon being respect. It is a key ingredient in love that makes both arranged marriages and marriages for love work. If you cannot respect your partner, how can you expect to like them, much less love them?
Much as we may want our partner to share our love of reading, what is more important is simply their ability to respect our need to find time to read. Likewise, we must respect them for their literary choices and give them time to pursue the things that they enjoy–things that make us love them for who they are in the first place. When I asked “Could You Love A Non-Reader?” it was reiterated to me that respect was a key component in making love what it is.
Ultimately, the key to a strong relationship is respect between both partners. As much as the avid reader may want to date another reader, we can’t always predict who we fall in love with. Sometimes that other person does not read much, if at all. This is where respect comes into play. One reader, Linda, let us know that in past relationships she was made to feel guilty about the time she spent reading and not paying attention to the other person. The guilting from her partners was not respectful to her interests. Linda is now married. ”My husband respects my choice to read and tries not to interrupt me while I’m reading.” Referring back to Marge, reading is a hobby and we need to respect our partner’s choices to spend time on their hobbies, whether they be reading, building a tiny ship in a bottle, or learning circus hula-hooping, and in turn we require them to respect our choices.
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4th February, 2010 by Christina - 2 Comments
After the Love & Books series was completed, I occasionally received notes telling me how much a reader enjoyed the series or their own thoughts on the questions and topics covered in the series.
Two different replies to my initial survey and kick-off post, Love In The Stacks, vetted the same idea–reading is a hobby. We often want the people we decide to date to have similar interests, but what I learned from these responses is that it’s not the hobbies themselves that are important, but the approach to life. Dating someone with hobbies and interests that you don’t share (or vice versa–they don’t share yours) can be a way to explore and learn about new things. In fact, wouldn’t dating a carbon copy of yourself be rather dull?
No two people are exactly alike. You will have your interests and they will have theirs. Not all hobbies will mesh, and that can lead to discord (you like to travel the world, they have no interest in leaving the town they grew up in), but others can be complimentary to one another. If your partner has no interest in reading it doesn’t mean you have to stop. It just means that you have to schedule your time appropriately–maybe you read while they work on that ship in a bottle or bring a book with you to their weekly softball game.
Respect is important in a relationship–you must respect their hobbies and interests while they must respect yours. Go ahead and use their interests as inspiration for the books you buy. They love space? Find an astronaut’s memoir and see if it will help you understand why they find the subject so fascinating. You don’t have to develop an undying love, you simply need to understand.
In the comments for the first Love & Books post, Marcelo made this observation:
For me it was never about someone who reads or doesn’t read as much as finding someone who was interested in something, a learner who isn’t above finding new things and trying new ideas out for size.
Readers are by nature curious. Through books we are constantly learning and must respect that for some people reading is not easy (various learning and reading disabilities) and that one can still have that same curious approach to life through other avenues of exploration.
My favorite part of the post touched on the theme as well:
All of this got me thinking about the people we choose to date. I’ve dated plenty of non-geeks and there’s a reason I think those relationships didn’t work out. There was a mental disconnect–we wanted to talk about different things. When one date mentioned (proudly) that he hadn’t picked up a book since high school, I should have been tipped off to run the other way. Our approaches to life were drastically different and we had nothing to talk about for the handful of months we were together. I learned through these relationships and through my singledom what it was I wanted in a partner, how I expected to be treated, and a lot about myself.
There’s a quote that came my way not too long ago. I have no clue where it came from, but it struck a chord with me and I’d love to give credit where credit is due:
Don’t date someone who’s exciting. Date someone who is interesting.
That’s the thing about geeks–those of us who read a lot and like to share what we got out of the book or who have really odd hobbies have a wealth of stuff to talk about. When you and the person you are with have a variety of interests, it opens new worlds of things to try, learn, and talk about even if your interests are different.
It wasn’t so much that there were no books in their homes as the fact that those exes had a complacent approach to life or whose existance centered around partying that did not work for me. I was dating exciting men who went out every night of the week, who were bold and charismatic–it was definitely exciting to be with the man that other women wanted, who would buy rounds of drinks, and get past the velvet rope. But there was little substance underneath that partying.
Where I found inspiration in books, someone else found it in music or movies or sports. It wasn’t the fact that they were not readers that made the relationships fail–it was the fact that we had vastly different approaches to life that were reflected in our interests.
Looking at my parents’ relationship, I can see this clearly–my mother has no interest in space or physics, but she understands that these are things my father loves–things that motivate and inspire him. So she attends his model rocket launches and listens to him explain some mumbo-jumbo that sounds like a the teacher in Peanuts cartoons. Likewise, you will find him helping her scroll through microfiche to find some elusive birth certificate as she tracks down the family tree. They have their shared interests and they have their time to individually go to their own thing.
What attracts us to someone in the first place is someone’s uniqueness. It would be a shame to lose that in the interest of only dating people just like ourselves.
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3rd February, 2010 by Christina - 3 Comments
Do you follow Stacked on Twitter? Yes?
You many have noticed a link I recently include to the ever popular Time Out New York Singles Issue that is put out every February. Yours truly has been included this year. As I’m not particularly a fan of online dating and matchmaking services, writing a profile (three simple questions) was not at all easy!
The most difficult was: ”What makes you a great catch?” Say what? I know why I like me–but what is it that makes guys like me? I asked a number of male friends and they had some awesome responses that I almost used (Rik–who was featured in the issue last year: “I’m cute, I’m smart, I’ve got my shit together,” Ryan: ”Brains, Boobs, Brass”), but my favorite conversation came from Matt as we tried to put that special something into words:
You are a catch because you are constantly trying to figure out ways to be even geekier.
I need to word that better but what I think is so awesome about you is that it seems like every time I talk to you, you’re like, “OMG, so I decided I am going to learn ancient Macedonian this weekend” or “I saw a picture of Leonard Nimoy on the subway today so I decided to start watching Star Trek.”
With Valentine’s Day approaching and my single status plastered in a magazine all over New York, I’ve ended up with dating on the brain. You may recall that I did a series last year called Love & Books wherein I surveyed people to find out how books play a role in dating, sex, and relationships. The series started with a post about Word’s new matchmaking services–a literary-based personals board. Actually, that board was the inspiration for the series. The board has been up for a year now, and while I didn’t get any responses (rather than feeling bad about my book preferences, we’re going to blame my handwriting), some regulars in the shop have been a little luckier. Time Out New York wrote up an article that featured a few of the success stories (Russ Marshalek and Marley Magaziner) and still singles (Sherry Wasserman, who was the inspiration for the board) two weeks ago.*
Over the course of the year, I’ve seen a few articles on the subject of reading and its impact on relationship in magazines, newspapers, and other blogs. Love and relationship are a regular “go-to” topic, and people who are passionate about their books often hope to find the same in a partner.
So, from now until Valentine’s Day, in between reviews and rants about books, there will be the return of LOVE & BOOKS!!!! It was a popular series and things change over time, so I’ll showcase some of my favorite passages and links and would love to hear how people feel about the subjects covered a year later.
*I’ve met Russ briefly, but I am a fan of his on Twitter. His tweets are obnoxiously awesome. I had a chance to chat with Sherry at the Word/TONY singles mixer, and she is adorably fantastic.
** I’d also like to note that in the picture, the upper right is a photo of Rachel Kramer Bussel of the In The Flesh reading series fame.
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29th July, 2009 by Christina - 1 Comment
Here we are at the final installment of Love & Books. I was hoping to include two stories but feel they will have to wait for another time as the series has been running long enough.
On Monday we talked about how singles who are avid readers will sometimes judge another person’s long-term prospects based on their reading preferences. Today, the marrieds.*
Now, once you’ve got past the early “getting to know you” and “do I really want to be in a relationship with this person” phase of dating, you find yourself in a long-term relationship where you may not like the reading material of your significant other, but you look at their collection of Star Wars novels as a lovable fault rather than a deal breaker.
Few of our married respondents had the same book taste as their other (better?) half and this didn’t bother them at all.
Linda pointed out that while she has her books and her husband has his, “we talk about the books we read all the time. I love hearing about the fantasy worlds that his books are set in.”
Because of this, Linda has started to read more sci-fi, a trend other respondents reported as well: they were more inclined to read a book because their spouse recommended it. In cases like Marcelo’s, he finds there is the occasional overlap and will often encourage his fiancee Hannah (for two more days!) to read books he has recently finished and feels very passionately about. He admits that it doesn’t always work but Hannah has started to read a little more steampunk and is interested in a few books, like Little Brother, that Marcelo talks about regularly.
Some of our couples have common reading time but rarely is it scheduled time. The closest response to scheduled reading time came from Marcelo,
We used to go to our favorite coffee shop and read together in the morning but that no longer works because the shop closed down. Now many times we just read together at night or on the weekend.
Jamie and Kurt (who were the only couple to both fill-out the survey) mentioned they will often discuss books over meals and like many couples,
We don’t have a specified reading time, but we do read together sometimes–even more so when on vacation. We often read each other tidbits we find interesting from books, magazines, news stories, etc.
For couples who do not discuss books or share reading time, it was important that their spouse respect the time they choose to read. Some find the easiest way to accommodate both halves of the couple was to read while the other was engaged in another activity, for example, reading while one watched television or was busy building model rockets or researching geneology (that example is my parents by the way).
Most of our couples have a library card for each person but have a tendency to use only one. As Jamie pointed out, the cards are free, so why wouldn’t you each get a card? Plus, two cards mean you can check-out even more books!There was a broad mix of couples going to the library as a couple, picking-up pre-reserved or list of books for the other, or picking out something for the other on their own.
Very few people, like Marge and Linda, felt comfortable picking-out a book for their spouse on their own, even if very aware of the other’s preferences. Marge let us know that she has attempted to get her husband books as gifts in the past but has learned that he is too specific to veer off a list while Linda admits to picking some “real losers” when she’s tried to find something for her husband to read.
For people like Care, being married for most of her adult life mean that her reading habits haven’t changed much over the years. Other respondents felt the same; planning the wedding or having kids have interfered with free-time on occasion. But overall, their love of reading keeps them reaching for books and making the time. Being in a relationship has, on occasion, allowed them to talk more about what they are reading than when they were single.
Multiple respondents said that their relationship has broadened their minds to new genres Linda’s husband now reads graphic novels because of her and Jamie has started reading more history books because of Kurt. The relationship has allowed people to appreciate and notice things in books that they otherwise would not have without the experience of being with the person they love.
*It is easier to easier to just typed “marrieds” than “people in long-term relationhips” constantly even though the descriptor of “marrieds” is not accurate for the respondants as many are in common-law marriages, reflecting on past marriages, engaged, or just happily with someone for a long time.
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28th July, 2009 by Marcelo - 4 Comments
For the Love & Books series on Stacked, Christina isn’t the only one with that lovin’ feeling (after all, I’m getting married in five days!). So to kick off this week of reading about love, I’d like to present an underrated book by one of my favorite authors, Haruki Murakami – South of the Border, West of the Sun.
The basic plot: Hajime was a young boy when he met Shimamoto, a girl with a limp who became his best friend. After years of sharing each other’s deepest secrets, they’re separated by going to different high schools, and before you know it Hajime is married with two kids and he owns a successful chain of jazz bars. It’s been 25 years since they last saw each other when Shimamoto walks into one of his bars, and her entrance in his life leads to a whole host of “what-ifs” that plague Hajime and threaten his marriage and his financial success (his wife’s father is the primary investor in his bars).
What I find fascinating about this book is the way Murakami makes Shimamoto a ghost from the past, even when she’s standing right in front of Hajime. She doesn’t talk about where she’s been or what she’s been up to. She wears expensive clothes and disappears for weeks on end, appearing at erratic intervals with no rhyme or reason. She pleads to Hajime to never think about where she might be going or what she has to do when she’s not with him. It’s the kind of surreal conceit that Murakami does so well, blending the detail-oriented Western world with the mystical promise of the ghosts of Japan. It’s no coincidence that Hajime’s success in his work and life is primarily a Western one – he runs two clubs that feature American jazz music, he lives a financially comfortable lifestyle more in line with what Westerners consider successful (lots of money, a nice wife, two kids, franchising opportunities, all his affairs in order). Shimamoto offers him not only a sense of nostalgia combined with newness, but also an escape from the ontological cage that Hajime’s lifestyle has built around him.
But that newness is unattainable. In the same way that Hajime is unable to know the details and particulars of Shimamoto’s life, he is also unable to fully connect with her. Their fates were sealed when they parted ways in high school. Now there’s too much baggage, too much that is unknowable, and too much time has passed for them to go back and make different choices about their lives. The connection that Hajime might have had with Shimamoto is close and palpable but ultimately unknowable. Murakami’s surreal dismissal of Shimamoto’s details is his way of making this point clear with subtlety and grace and he succeeds magnificently.
There is one other subplot that’s worth talking about. Between his friendship with Shimamoto and marrying his wife, Hajime had a girlfriend in college named Izumi, whom he hurt very badly by having a crazy affair with her hyper-sexual cousin. This act of betrayal frames the main story and outlines the very real consequences of what going back on the choices you make really means. Throughout the novel we hear about Izumi’s life through secondhand sources, friends of friends, until Murakami pays off this part of the story in a final arresting image that connects the unknowability of what might have been with the cosmic wounds that linger when you try to make those phantom connections real.
Like After Dark, this is another novel that Murakami fans don’t pay much attention to, which is a shame because it’s one of his most emotionally passionate books. Lesser authors have made affairs a type of wish fulfillment where sexy and alluring partners can help us break out of our emotionally dry and boring lives. Murakami avoids this by never flinching from the consequences of Hajime’s attempts to know the unknowable. Even though Hajime couldn’t have known that Shimamoto would come back and talk to him again, never once does Murakami excuse him from his commitment not only to his wife and kids but to the fabric of the universe that tells us that we go through this life once and we have to accept the consequences of our actions. Hajime’s attempts to connect with Shimamoto (and his decision to cheat on Izumi) are attempts to break that fabric and undo the turns of his life, and that has cosmic consequences all the way to the final heartbreaking line of this wonderful novel.
Like I said earlier in the post, I’m getting married in five days to a woman whom I love very much. Planning this wedding, preparing myself for the commitment I’m about to make, it’s made me reflective about the choices I’ve made that have brought me here. I imagine if I had made different choices I wouldn’t be marrying this amazing woman. There are a million different Marcelos that could be existing right now but those variations are truly unknowable, and trying to know them is futile and dangerous. South of the Border, West of the Sun is a book that understands that concept inherently. It’s a wise and thoughtful book about love’s double-edged sword.
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27th July, 2009 by Christina - 5 Comments
We’re coming to a close with the Love & Books series with a few more posts this week. I’m hoping to get an email and interview with two potentially great stories to close things out with and a review from Marcelo. Hope you’ve been enjoying all we’ve learned about how books factor in to the love lives of readers.
Our readers have already said that they prefer to date other readers, mostly because reading is a sign that the other person has a curious intellect and reading is a way of continually educating ourselves. So it holds true that if reading says something about a person, what they choose to read says even more.
As mentioned in the previous post, Lizzy made an assumption about John based on a book. In her case she turned out to be correct and the relationship ended up not lasting. Every respondent said that one of the first things they do when at someone’s home for the first time is check out the bookshelf. No one admitted to being a book-snob, but they did talk about the types of books that would make them question the long-term potential of the person in question. Rik, for example, finds Harlequin romance books to be a red-flag.
While Harlequin was mentioned a few times, none of the Stacked readers commented on personal libraries they felt were pretentious. It would seem that while we might raise out eyebrows at someone reading Proust on the subway, we are okay with seeing it on someone’s shelf. The impression I’ve gotten is that avid readers simply are snobs, even if we don’t want to admit it. We are the equivalent of hipsters and their music snobbery–if the masses like it, we don’t. Reading the latest trendy book that had a huge marketing push behind it is one thing; only reading those books means we wonder if the other person has any original taste or personality.
Judgement calls are often based on past experience. For Katie, her questionable content is the result of learning what doesn’t work for her in a relationship,
If they are only into reading business books I get concerned that they might be work obsessed. It’s nice if they are ambitious, but I was once in a long term relationship with a guy who was defined by his work and that ended up being a deal-breaker.
Something that came up often in the results was that people were always looking for their own favorites in other’s collections, almost as if looking for a reflection of themselves in the other person. But no one required that reading styles match up. It seems that we want to find a book or two that connects us but are okay with the other person simply reading, so long as it’s not a large collection of books from our individual danger zone.
The best thing that seems to come from dating someone with different literary tastes is that a whole new world is opened to us as books are recommended, shared, and discussed. Being able to recommend a book and then talk about it seems to be quite the attractive quality–they do not just read books, but participate in them.
Possibly one of the reasons we judge people based on the books we read is that we recognize how books have shaped our perceptions of the world. Similar to the way romantic comedies slightly color how women hope to have their own “meet-cute,” books can do the same, and not just in regard to meeting the love of our lives. We change our eating habits, our politics, our fascination with slugs, and so on because we have a relationship with the books as well as with a gamut of emotions that are manipulated by the words on the page.
Tomorrow,Marcelo is posting a book review that relates to the choices we make and how that affects our love lives. The book is just another example of the power of the written word and how books make us stop and think about our lives. We find other readers interesting and engaging because they too go through their own transformations as books teach them about who they are and what kind of person they want to be.
UPDATE: Reagan just sent me a link to a March 2008 New York Times article discussing people’s perceptions of potential dates based on book choices. Great read.
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24th July, 2009 by Christina - 3 Comments
The original plan for today was to talk about the assumptions we make about other people’s books. And we sort of will–but with a slight divergence.
Over dinner last night a friend told me she thought it was hilarious that no one owned up to owning any sex books. She then proceeded to tell me a great story about the risks they pose in a relationship.
Dating is like traversing a field waiting to step on a landmine that proves our assumptions about the other person–we read that we should pay attention to how they treat the waitstaff at dinner and compare their actions to our exes. What we are looking for is a number of things. Are they a kind person? Will they make a good partner or parent? How are they in bed?
Those assumptions can be compounded when we see their book collection and even more so when we see what sex books they own. For the sake of this story, we’ll call my friend Lizzy and the guy in question John.
Lizzy had been going out with John for a little while and things were going pretty alright. John was an intellectual and adventurer–traits Lizzy admired.
Being a published author, books were of special importance to him. Upon first glance, it was very clear that his collection of books were arranged and selected as if being curated.
One night, back at his place, she noticed a book. How to Make Love All Night: And Drive a Woman Wild!
She looked at it inquiringly and asked him about it. John said he owned the book because you can never have too many techniques. So she opened it up to take a look and said to him,
Oh, no. No woman wants this. No woman wants to do it All. Night. Long.
Her first assumption having now looked into this book was that John wasn’t going to be good in bed if he was using a book that so little met the needs of what women actually wants as crib-notes. And she was right.
At this point in her life, Lizzy was looking to settle down and thought she’d maybe found “The One.” He was great in many ways, except the sex. So she resigned herself to a life of bad sex; maybe it wouldn’t be such a terrible hardship. She did make him give up the book. The apartment building he lived in had a table in which the inhabitants would leave the occasional tchotchke for others to take. The book spent three weeks on the table (lingering long after the troll statues had been grabbed) and one day disappeared.
Eventually, Lizzy and John broke up. He apparently had big-time commitment issues that she’d been willing to overlook along with the lack of decent love making.
[When] I saw [the book] immediately my suspicions began. This man was going to be bad in bed, or had issues with women. He didn’t know what to do or how to communicate with his partner regarding intimate issues. Of course, I chose to ignore all of that, which only lead to heartbreak later…but live and learn! All of my suspicions were true!
Advice books are supposed to guide us and help us become better people, even between the sheets. Yet, more often then not we find ourselves complaining about both the ones marketed to us and for the opposite sex. I was sure, however, that there had to be some good books out there. Or maybe it was not so much the books, but how individuals approached the content. Discussing Lizzy’s story with another friend provided some insight that books about sex aren’t necessarily a warning sign and can at times rev things up between a couple.
There’s a lot of crap out there written by a lot of idiots. There are some that are pretty straightforward–encyclopedic. Some are fun and some are insightful.
I personally never look to a book for advice on sex.
I might read a book to learn more about areas of sex or relationships I don’t have much experience with…one can sometimes benefit from the experience of others, provided that the author is smart and has the proper attitude.
It can also be exciting at times to read about things that others have done even if you, yourself, would not necessarily do it… and that excitement can translate to excitement in your bedroom (or kitchen or living room or elevator, etc).
After our discussion, it was clear that John may have benefited from the advice in a book, he just made a very poor choice in choosing a book. Based on other factors, and her story, Lizzy and I made the assumption that one day, after he felt enough time had passed, John had probably gone back downstairs to salvage the book and hide it away in hopes of using it for future reference. However, bad advice is still bad advice and doesn’t help one learn from the mistakes of a past relationship.
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23rd July, 2009 by Christina - 3 Comments
When it comes to relationships, advice books seem to be a contentious topic. No one wants to admit to reading/owning these books. Yet somehow these books do well enough for publishers to be spitting them out onto display tables in bookstores around the world.
Now, I was intentionally vague when I asked in my survey if any participants had read and found useful any advice books, and if they would recommend any they’d read to others. There are all sorts of interpretations of what qualifies as a book in the dating and relationship genre, so I’ll break it down into two main categories: Dating/Relationships and Sex.
Marcelo (yes, we allowed him to submit answers) told us that while he’s never read a dating specific book, he does recommend Difficult Conversations which is about relating to other people, and he has applied the principles to dating in the past. He goes on to say that,
[It] is a must-read for anyone, whether it’s someone who has relationship issues or workplace troubles. Other than that, I’ve found that dating advice books are a lot of fluff and hooey, and it’s very difficult to separate good from bad.
This is a stance almost all our participants had. Yes, there might be a helpful one or two, but most are terrible and they’re all pretty much the same anyway even though dating and relationships are not “one size fits all.” Marge also chimed in, claiming that dating and advice books are not necessarily helpful but are interesting. When He’s Just Not That Into You was first published, many women claimed just that, “but I already know all this stuff!” However, as much as we may know, it’s easy to get caught up in bad habits and repeat patterns that are counter to what we know is a healthy way of acting.
It was the idea of already knowing what is presented in advice books that sparked the idea for this Love & Books series. Ari had written a post on Curious Illusion about finding herself again after the end of a relationship. She had received Single: The Art of Being Satisfied, Fulfilled, and Independent . She never got around to finishing the book and while packing for a move some time later rediscovered it only to realize she had learned how to be happy as a single without its help. Time and time again, you hear people say that it’s when they stopped looking or truly became comfortable with themselves as a single that they met the person of their dreams. Understanding your singleness and choices in dating is just as important as learning how to really listen to your partner.
Back to Marge–she has been married for almost twenty-five years. With a daughter of dating age, she has from time to time read dating advice books. Within her own relationship, the only advice book on the shelves is Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, a book that a few of our married participants own. She holds a similar view of this book to her opinions on dating books. Both she and her husband read the book,
We did read Men are from Mars, Women from Venus because we met the author and he signed the book for us. We find it to be very interesting and actually thinking about it did learn alot about differences in the sexes from that book. However, the author has been married about 3 times, so what does he know?
SO because everyone sort of brushed the question up and we had no respondents who had actually found any advice books useful, I guess we have to assume that the reason these books sell (and occasionally get adapted into movies) is because there are enough gullible people out there to keep buying newly published books hoping that maybe this one will help. That’s probably not the truth of the matter, but with no one stepping up to say that a specific book really helped them learn how to meet people or make a relationship work, all we’re left with is assumptions.
By the way, the second category of sex: NO ONE owned up to owning any sex books. No Kama Sutra or the The Joy of Sex. So I have no data to respond on and share with you all. Which I think is a shame since sex is obviously a big fact in relationships, whether you are in a new or long-term relationship or happily single. No information on this subject from some of you makes sense, but others of you I know are not modest and I am 100% sure that a few of you have a few tucked away (or in plain sight). Interesting that everyone kept silent.
On a similar note, I was hoping to get at least one respondent talking about The Game (or similar “Master Pick-up Artist” type books). I do know a woman who read it in hopes of gleaning some insight into the male brain but do not know any men who have read the book. On the recommendation of the woman, I read the book and have some extremely strong (ranting) opinions about it. While I’m all for socially awkward people learning to talk to the opposite sex, the methods presented in said books are more about casual sex than relationships which I feel is a sort of branch category as it’s not really dating.
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