9th February, 2010 by Christina - No Comments
I still don’t understand, and don’t believe I ever will, why love has to be so difficult. I do think that maybe something as easy as liking someone has accrued all these mixed social standards and niceties over time so that we are confused not by love itself but by all the messages telling us how to go about getting love.
Falling in love, being in a relationship–they are complicated because we make them so out of fear and insecurity. Along the way, some crafty souls realized that acting on others’ fear was a FANTASTIC way to make money. And so the self-help advice book was born.
Most advice books that subject around dating are geared towards women. We are somehow incomplete without a man, we are desperate and our approach is all wrong. There is no room for being happily single and confidently quirky. They tell us we can only be happy when we find a man and to do so we must play by their rules. Advice books prey on the weak, those brainwashed by movies and romance novels to feel that with each passing year they are too old to find love. They believe we are gullible, and despite following their advice to the letter, we are still doing something wrong and therefore need to buy the sequel.
Almost all of the people who took the original survey said that while they’ve read an advice book here and there, they don’t own any or particularly feel the need to shell over $20 for someone to give them common sense advice or a list of archaic and ridiculous rules that are an exception. What works for one person or couple might not be the best approach to dating and marriage for others. Just as our concept of what constitutes love is unique and individual, so is our approach to relationships; our choices do not fit perfectly into the formula or rules of advice books.
Despite my disdain for such books, some do find helpful advice and comfort in reading them. Some even provide amusement. While I (and my survey respondents) may not seek advice from them, other people do–proof of which comes in the form of new books being published and regularly snatched up. While the worst books prey on our fears, the best can serve as a reminder for things we know but do not practice. My favorite part of the original post reflects this:
Yes, there might be a helpful one or two, but most are terrible and they’re all pretty much the same anyway even though dating and relationships are not “one size fits all.” Marge also chimed in, claiming that dating and advice books are not necessarily helpful but are interesting. When He’s Just Not That Into You was first published, many women claimed just that, “but I already know all this stuff!” However, as much as we may know, it’s easy to get caught up in bad habits and repeat patterns that are counter to what we know is a healthy way of acting.
It was the idea of already knowing what is presented in advice books that sparked the idea for this Love & Books series. Ari had written a post on Curious Illusion about finding herself again after the end of a relationship. She had received Single: The Art of Being Satisfied, Fulfilled, and Independent . She never got around to finishing the book and while packing for a move some time later rediscovered it only to realize she had learned how to be happy as a single without its help. Time and time again, you hear people say that it’s when they stopped looking or truly became comfortable with themselves as a single that they met the person of their dreams. Understanding your singleness and choices in dating is just as important as learning how to really listen to your partner.
No Comments
3rd February, 2010 by Christina - 3 Comments
Do you follow Stacked on Twitter? Yes?
You many have noticed a link I recently include to the ever popular Time Out New York Singles Issue that is put out every February. Yours truly has been included this year. As I’m not particularly a fan of online dating and matchmaking services, writing a profile (three simple questions) was not at all easy!
The most difficult was: ”What makes you a great catch?” Say what? I know why I like me–but what is it that makes guys like me? I asked a number of male friends and they had some awesome responses that I almost used (Rik–who was featured in the issue last year: “I’m cute, I’m smart, I’ve got my shit together,” Ryan: ”Brains, Boobs, Brass”), but my favorite conversation came from Matt as we tried to put that special something into words:
You are a catch because you are constantly trying to figure out ways to be even geekier.
I need to word that better but what I think is so awesome about you is that it seems like every time I talk to you, you’re like, “OMG, so I decided I am going to learn ancient Macedonian this weekend” or “I saw a picture of Leonard Nimoy on the subway today so I decided to start watching Star Trek.”
With Valentine’s Day approaching and my single status plastered in a magazine all over New York, I’ve ended up with dating on the brain. You may recall that I did a series last year called Love & Books wherein I surveyed people to find out how books play a role in dating, sex, and relationships. The series started with a post about Word’s new matchmaking services–a literary-based personals board. Actually, that board was the inspiration for the series. The board has been up for a year now, and while I didn’t get any responses (rather than feeling bad about my book preferences, we’re going to blame my handwriting), some regulars in the shop have been a little luckier. Time Out New York wrote up an article that featured a few of the success stories (Russ Marshalek and Marley Magaziner) and still singles (Sherry Wasserman, who was the inspiration for the board) two weeks ago.*
Over the course of the year, I’ve seen a few articles on the subject of reading and its impact on relationship in magazines, newspapers, and other blogs. Love and relationship are a regular “go-to” topic, and people who are passionate about their books often hope to find the same in a partner.
So, from now until Valentine’s Day, in between reviews and rants about books, there will be the return of LOVE & BOOKS!!!! It was a popular series and things change over time, so I’ll showcase some of my favorite passages and links and would love to hear how people feel about the subjects covered a year later.
*I’ve met Russ briefly, but I am a fan of his on Twitter. His tweets are obnoxiously awesome. I had a chance to chat with Sherry at the Word/TONY singles mixer, and she is adorably fantastic.
** I’d also like to note that in the picture, the upper right is a photo of Rachel Kramer Bussel of the In The Flesh reading series fame.
3 Comments
27th July, 2009 by Christina - 5 Comments
We’re coming to a close with the Love & Books series with a few more posts this week. I’m hoping to get an email and interview with two potentially great stories to close things out with and a review from Marcelo. Hope you’ve been enjoying all we’ve learned about how books factor in to the love lives of readers.
Our readers have already said that they prefer to date other readers, mostly because reading is a sign that the other person has a curious intellect and reading is a way of continually educating ourselves. So it holds true that if reading says something about a person, what they choose to read says even more.
As mentioned in the previous post, Lizzy made an assumption about John based on a book. In her case she turned out to be correct and the relationship ended up not lasting. Every respondent said that one of the first things they do when at someone’s home for the first time is check out the bookshelf. No one admitted to being a book-snob, but they did talk about the types of books that would make them question the long-term potential of the person in question. Rik, for example, finds Harlequin romance books to be a red-flag.
While Harlequin was mentioned a few times, none of the Stacked readers commented on personal libraries they felt were pretentious. It would seem that while we might raise out eyebrows at someone reading Proust on the subway, we are okay with seeing it on someone’s shelf. The impression I’ve gotten is that avid readers simply are snobs, even if we don’t want to admit it. We are the equivalent of hipsters and their music snobbery–if the masses like it, we don’t. Reading the latest trendy book that had a huge marketing push behind it is one thing; only reading those books means we wonder if the other person has any original taste or personality.
Judgement calls are often based on past experience. For Katie, her questionable content is the result of learning what doesn’t work for her in a relationship,
If they are only into reading business books I get concerned that they might be work obsessed. It’s nice if they are ambitious, but I was once in a long term relationship with a guy who was defined by his work and that ended up being a deal-breaker.
Something that came up often in the results was that people were always looking for their own favorites in other’s collections, almost as if looking for a reflection of themselves in the other person. But no one required that reading styles match up. It seems that we want to find a book or two that connects us but are okay with the other person simply reading, so long as it’s not a large collection of books from our individual danger zone.
The best thing that seems to come from dating someone with different literary tastes is that a whole new world is opened to us as books are recommended, shared, and discussed. Being able to recommend a book and then talk about it seems to be quite the attractive quality–they do not just read books, but participate in them.
Possibly one of the reasons we judge people based on the books we read is that we recognize how books have shaped our perceptions of the world. Similar to the way romantic comedies slightly color how women hope to have their own “meet-cute,” books can do the same, and not just in regard to meeting the love of our lives. We change our eating habits, our politics, our fascination with slugs, and so on because we have a relationship with the books as well as with a gamut of emotions that are manipulated by the words on the page.
Tomorrow,Marcelo is posting a book review that relates to the choices we make and how that affects our love lives. The book is just another example of the power of the written word and how books make us stop and think about our lives. We find other readers interesting and engaging because they too go through their own transformations as books teach them about who they are and what kind of person they want to be.
UPDATE: Reagan just sent me a link to a March 2008 New York Times article discussing people’s perceptions of potential dates based on book choices. Great read.
5 Comments
23rd July, 2009 by Christina - 3 Comments
When it comes to relationships, advice books seem to be a contentious topic. No one wants to admit to reading/owning these books. Yet somehow these books do well enough for publishers to be spitting them out onto display tables in bookstores around the world.
Now, I was intentionally vague when I asked in my survey if any participants had read and found useful any advice books, and if they would recommend any they’d read to others. There are all sorts of interpretations of what qualifies as a book in the dating and relationship genre, so I’ll break it down into two main categories: Dating/Relationships and Sex.
Marcelo (yes, we allowed him to submit answers) told us that while he’s never read a dating specific book, he does recommend Difficult Conversations which is about relating to other people, and he has applied the principles to dating in the past. He goes on to say that,
[It] is a must-read for anyone, whether it’s someone who has relationship issues or workplace troubles. Other than that, I’ve found that dating advice books are a lot of fluff and hooey, and it’s very difficult to separate good from bad.
This is a stance almost all our participants had. Yes, there might be a helpful one or two, but most are terrible and they’re all pretty much the same anyway even though dating and relationships are not “one size fits all.” Marge also chimed in, claiming that dating and advice books are not necessarily helpful but are interesting. When He’s Just Not That Into You was first published, many women claimed just that, “but I already know all this stuff!” However, as much as we may know, it’s easy to get caught up in bad habits and repeat patterns that are counter to what we know is a healthy way of acting.
It was the idea of already knowing what is presented in advice books that sparked the idea for this Love & Books series. Ari had written a post on Curious Illusion about finding herself again after the end of a relationship. She had received Single: The Art of Being Satisfied, Fulfilled, and Independent . She never got around to finishing the book and while packing for a move some time later rediscovered it only to realize she had learned how to be happy as a single without its help. Time and time again, you hear people say that it’s when they stopped looking or truly became comfortable with themselves as a single that they met the person of their dreams. Understanding your singleness and choices in dating is just as important as learning how to really listen to your partner.
Back to Marge–she has been married for almost twenty-five years. With a daughter of dating age, she has from time to time read dating advice books. Within her own relationship, the only advice book on the shelves is Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, a book that a few of our married participants own. She holds a similar view of this book to her opinions on dating books. Both she and her husband read the book,
We did read Men are from Mars, Women from Venus because we met the author and he signed the book for us. We find it to be very interesting and actually thinking about it did learn alot about differences in the sexes from that book. However, the author has been married about 3 times, so what does he know?
SO because everyone sort of brushed the question up and we had no respondents who had actually found any advice books useful, I guess we have to assume that the reason these books sell (and occasionally get adapted into movies) is because there are enough gullible people out there to keep buying newly published books hoping that maybe this one will help. That’s probably not the truth of the matter, but with no one stepping up to say that a specific book really helped them learn how to meet people or make a relationship work, all we’re left with is assumptions.
By the way, the second category of sex: NO ONE owned up to owning any sex books. No Kama Sutra or the The Joy of Sex. So I have no data to respond on and share with you all. Which I think is a shame since sex is obviously a big fact in relationships, whether you are in a new or long-term relationship or happily single. No information on this subject from some of you makes sense, but others of you I know are not modest and I am 100% sure that a few of you have a few tucked away (or in plain sight). Interesting that everyone kept silent.
On a similar note, I was hoping to get at least one respondent talking about The Game (or similar “Master Pick-up Artist” type books). I do know a woman who read it in hopes of gleaning some insight into the male brain but do not know any men who have read the book. On the recommendation of the woman, I read the book and have some extremely strong (ranting) opinions about it. While I’m all for socially awkward people learning to talk to the opposite sex, the methods presented in said books are more about casual sex than relationships which I feel is a sort of branch category as it’s not really dating.
3 Comments
20th July, 2009 by Christina - 7 Comments
When it comes to meeting the love of your life (or the hour…), dating websites, books, and gurus all say that you “have to get yourself out there!” Sitting around at home reading books isn’t going to work as a plan of attack for meeting people. Most dating advice sources will give you a few suggestions about where to go to meet people, some of which are general suggestions (the park, a bar), while others are niche/interest specific (karate class, art gallery). One that pops up regularly on such lists is the bookstore or library.
In our survey, we asked Stacked readers if they’d ever met or gone out with someone they had met in a bookstore, and the response was almost unanimous…they all loved the idea but were always too busy looking at the books to notice any people. Apparently using your local Barnes & Noble as a singles joint only works if you don’t actually read and are there specifically to scope out the hotties. Even if they went in with that intention, I don’t know a single avid reader who wouldn’t be distracted by a display table.
Now, the big chain bookstores are a bit tough–they’re so big, cold, and rather impersonal. Maybe it’s easier to make a love match at an independent shop where the staff knows the reading taste of their regulars–they could play the role of matchmaker, setting customers up based on their conversations and book preferences. Word Bookstore is actually attempting to take that challenge on after a regular commented on a special order of books she had noticed and asked store manager, Stephanie, if the person for whom they’d been ordered was a single man (and if Stephanie wouldn’t mind setting them up).
Stephanie took the idea of offering “matchmaking” services in the store to Christine, owner of Word, and a plan was hatched: in the store singles can fill out a form and post it on a reserved cork board for other singles to look over. Each time I’ve been by, the staff is chatting up a storm with the customers, offering recommendations. I commented on this to Stephanie and asked if any of the staff had done their own matchmaking amongst the regulars, to which she replied, “Ha! Yes, sorry, we are.* Never have tried, nope, this will be our first attempt.”
While the staff won’t be getting hands on in the actual matchmaking, Stephanie will be keeping “an eye on the slips to make sure they’re not obviously fake, but that will be the extent of our involvement.” She also has the perfect suggestion for the avid readers that do connect with someone else on the board, ”I think people should start their first dates in the store—it’s a nice safe place to meet up with someone you don’t know!”
Prior to the board, neither Stephanie nor Christine have seen their customers make a love match in the store, but both had the same reaction (S: “That would be too cool.”/C: “That would make me SO HAPPY.”) They have, however, had customers meet and form other sorts of relationships–a writer making friends with someone who eventually became his agent, for example. There are also a number of couples who come into shop together. “I love it, especially when one buys a book for the other, which happens a lot. Sometimes the couples are super lovey-dovey and they tend to buy more books, which is awesome on every level.”
The survey participants were pretty much of the same thought about the book tastes of the person they were involved with. Stephanie confirmed this opinion from her vantage point of observing couples,
I don’t think they have to be exactly similar, but they have to have some overlap. I’m sure many people have their literary deal breakers, which is why we left a space for that on our form. I’ve read a lot of books I never would have thought to pick up if they weren’t recommended to me by someone I loved/if I wasn’t trying to impress someone. What’s most important is that they read, period.
Since the matchmaking board is still in its infancy, only time will tell if it is a success. I’m not aware of any other bookstores offering such a service (please let me know if you hear of any other shops doing something similar and their success with it). As Christine put it, “Let’s hope some good stuff comes from this board.”
Visit Word and add your own form to the board. Word is located at 126 Franklin Street in Brooklyn and is open daily. I’ll be there tomorrow night to add my own form to the board and for the Hot and Wicked Botanical Book Night! (7:30pm) with Margot Berwin (Hothouse Flower and the Nine Plants of Desire) and Amy Stewart (Wicked Plants: The Weed that Killed Lincoln’s Mother and other Botanical Atrocities). **
*I personally love going to shops where the staff is working there because they love sharing. Word and Bergen Street Comics are two of my favorite shops precisely because you can get into a thirty-minute conversation about something you just read with whoever is behind the counter.
** Both books are linked to Barnes & Noble only because WORD does not have online shopping yet. Go get these books at your local bookseller though–not a big chain.
7 Comments
10th July, 2009 by Christina - 6 Comments
It’s personal details time on Stacked! You know, where I share more than I ever intend to…
I don’t date a lot. How could I and read this much?
Joking aside, I’ve just never been much of a dater. Every once in awhile people have tried to rope me into online dating and send me links to dating/relationship related sites. While I’ve avoided the online dating thing, I do follow engaging blogs such as Sex, Lies, and Dating. Besides having her link in my feedreader, I also follow Simone on Twitter.
Coincidentally, both she and Matt posted links to the same site over the course of a week, which leads me to geek dating and books. Simone linked to a tongue-in-cheek article about online dating profiles, while Matt linked to a service the site’s owner runs…geek matchmaking. And she features a male and female “geek of the month” on her newsletter. Needless to say, despite my aversion to online dating, I’m now registered to be one of her featured geeks.
Then, today, I was reading the archives on Ari’s blog and noticed a post about being happy being single that she had received at the end of a relationship and how she managed to learn that lesson on her own without the book. Meanwhile, Word now has a literary matchmaking board up (more to come), and Amy at Bergen Street Comics and I had a discussion the other week about how comics are a great way for women to meet men.
All of this got me thinking about the people we choose to date. I’ve dated plenty of non-geeks and there’s a reason. I think part of the reason those relationships didn’t work out was because of a mental disconnect–we wanted to talk about different things. When one date mentioned (proudly) that he hadn’t picked up a book since high school, I should have been tipped off to run the other way. Our approaches to life were drastically different and we had nothing to talk about for the handful of months we were together. I learned through these relationships and through my singledom what it was I wanted in a partner, how I expected to be treated, and a lot about myself.
There’s a quote that came my way not to long ago. I have no clue where it came from, but it struck a chord with me and I’d love to give credit where credit is due:
Don’t date someone who’s exciting. Date someone who is interesting.
That’s the thing about geeks–those of us who read a lot and like to share what we got out of the book or who have really odd hobbies have a wealth of stuff to talk about. When you and the person you are with have a variety of interests, it opens new worlds of things to try, learn, and talk about even if your interests are different. My mother has no interest in reading Lord of the Rings, but through my father’s geekdom was able to enjoy the movies. They each have their shelves in the study that are jam-packed with books, and I’m pretty sure my mother had a secret “I told you the book was good” smile when my father finally got around reading Mansfield Park.
So, while I wait to be paired up with other geeks through this matchmaking service, I’ve decided to do a little series on dating and have some questions to ask of you. Please email me your responses at info@stackedblog.com so that what comes out in the posts is a surprise! Questions after the jump. (more…)
6 Comments
25th June, 2009 by Christina - 4 Comments
Oh, sure, there’s still one more volume to go, but I decided that it would be ok to talk about Scott Pilgrim since the full series requires waiting until next year. (INSTANT GRATIFICATION WANTED NOW!!!)
After reading the first volume I was hooked. After the second I decided I couldn’t wait for Swifty to remember what had happened to his copies of the next two volumes and instead bought them myself (first comic purchase!). Two nights later I was back at Bergen Street Comics to buy Volume 5, which I read immediately when I got home. What surprises me about this comic is that I haven’t met anyone who’s read the series and been ambivalent towards it, much less hated it. EVERYONE loves Scott Pilgrim. And everyone wants to know who your favorite character is.
Mine is Knives. She’s absolutely insane. And she reminds me a lot of how nuts I was at her age. And that obsession thing–once you get me going I end up in a state where I can only talk about and think about one thing for the longest time. I also may have done drive-by stalkings* of a few of my crushes back in high school–you know, in the days after caller ID but before Google/Twitter/Facebook.
I think part of what is so great about the story is that, despite the alterna-reality the characters live in, there is always something relatable in each of them for the reader. Scott’s self-absorption–check, Ramona’s fight or flight commitment phobia–check, Young Neil’s insecurity–check, Wallace’s joie de vivre–check. Although I probably identify most with Kim Pine, there is something natural and endearing in each of them (except Julie, she’s just a bitch) despite their foibles.
The story itself is just fun! And whimsical! And it really hits a raw spot about the responsibilities that come with growing up and forming healthy relationships.
At this point I’ve read through all the books twice and will do the full run through again before waiting in line to see the first showing of the movie. But I’m stuck waiting in a sort of limbo crossroads. Do I read O’Malley’s annotated blog of the comic rather than letting them work as stand-alones? Do I check out the movie blog or sit tight until the next book comes out and allow myself to be surprised by keeping myself in the dark about the movie? Decisions, decisions.
Maybe I’ll go start a band.
*You know, where you’d rope some girlfriend in to hanging out which really meant just driving around aimlessly and then convincing her to drive by your crush’s house so you could see if he was home? I sound so lame now.
4 Comments
15th April, 2009 by Christina - 3 Comments
Remember how last week I went to the library for a book and came out with a bag full and then ran home to finish Moll Flanders? Well, I got home and remembered that I had two days to read a book I’d borrowed from my mother before returning it to her.
Tuscan Holiday is the story is of a mother and daughter who travel to Florence and HEY, WAIT A MINUTE! My mother and I went to Sicily for her ?? birthday!* We spent two weeks driving around the island and happened to meet some of our (distant) cousins along the way.
That was just about the only similarity–the fact that we went. While their story is vastly different than ours, the book sucks you in with a tale that everyone can relate to in some way–be it through observation of loved ones or their own experiences. What makes this story work is that both mother and daughter in the book are portrayed realistically and their individual voices clearly defined. They have self-doubts, know-it-all attitudes, and “mommy-issues.” Neither “heroine” is impractically perfect nor rotten to the core (although I never really liked the daughter; we would clearly not be friends in real life). While the story is written primarily from mother’s point of view, Chamberlin switches cleanly between both characters as they narrate different chapters, filling in the gaps of the other’s reflections. She also avoids the trap of being the omniscient writer and keeps both mother and daughter in the dark where the other’s motives and unseen actions are involved.
It’s easy to assume the story is a parent/child message in the early pages, but it soon transcends the differences between agape and eros. The secondary message involved in the story is that plan as you might, life will throw its twists and turns at you; you just need to roll with them because no amount of planning will keep them from happening. And finally, look at your own actions and behavior patterns to understand your decision making and from that, make better decisions in the future. I don’t want to say to much about how I, or other readers, relate to the themes as I worry it would give too much away. Love is a vast topic, and Chamberlin does a nice job of creating a picture out of portion of the topic.
My one complaint is the inclusion of quotes and “Dear Answer Lady”-style columns at the beginning of each chapter. Each is funny or thought provoking in its own right. But more often than not, these entries seemed to have nothing to do with the following pages (nor the previous chapter). I felt they broke up the flow from one chapter to the next, especially when there was a change in narrator.
*No, I didn’t forget how old she is. I’m being nice and hiding her age from you.
3 Comments
3rd March, 2009 by Christina - 3 Comments
Did you miss me? I decided to take the snow day we had from work and be tech-free – well that and the fact that I don’t have internet at home. Had I decided to brave the snow and venture down to the diner you might have gotten a post yesterday. Anyway, that means I now have two reviews for you – one today, one tomorrow.
So, today’s: Be Honest -You’re Not That Into Him Either
by Ian Kerner. After reading my post about He’s Just Not That into You the other week, a girlfriend of mine made the following (paraphrased) comment:
You know, it’s not that I have a problem finding guys that are into me. It’s that I’m not into them. They’re perfectly nice guys and I go out with them a few times but they’re boring and, yea, I’m just not that into them, I can’t find a guy I AM into.
Thanks to Google, I found out there was a book, although not as well publicised as it’s counter-part. Based on my general reaction to dating-oriented self-help books, I was rather predisposed to not like Be Honest. And to be honest, the book wasn’t written for me, but I could see how it would be helpful to other women who, in their search of a partner keep dating the wrong men (and often for too long).
Like other books of its ilk, Be Honest gives you a bunch of common sense theories about dating. Unlike The Rules
or The Game
*and other similar books, Be Honest doesn’t give you advice on how to get laid or get into a relationship. What it’s ultimate message is is to trust your gut and to do what makes you happy – don’t date someone (or marry them!) because of the pressure you get from society. The book is geared towards women who are looking to be in a relationship though. Kerner touches briefly on the “happy being single” girl and does encourage serial-dating readers to take a sabbatical if need be to re-evaluate what they’re looking for in a partner. The key, is to take a healthy approach to the choices we make rather than pessimistically giving up or optimistically continuing on a destructive path.
Although written by a man, the book does touch on some feminist issues discussing the changes brought about by both the newness of dating/marrying for love which is a relatively new concept after centuries of political and financially arranged marriages. Modern courtship was in its infancy when the sexual revolution happened and changed everything. The concept of having “sex like a man” has wrecked a bit of havoc as the “why buy the cow?” theory proves true. Theoretically, we should be able to engage in activities as we wish but reinforce bad behavior in the process. There’s no clear-cut answer telling us how to have it all which makes dating and sex that much more a neurotic state of mind for women trying to navigate through their own emotions and needs.
While I found the general advice to be good, I did get annoyed at the repeated attempts to be funny which often fell flat. There’s almost an over-abundance of metaphor, but they work to explain situations and communication issues. Kerner also points out that for any given hypothetical senario, there are multiple answers and that in real life it’s the same with a different outcome for each personality and approach. He also challenges many of the truisms that are not so true, such as a single man over 35 must be defective – well maybe he’s just holding out for the right person too.
*Yes, I’ve read The Game and it makes me feel sorry for men more than anything – really? You think those ridiculous little ploys to get a threesome will make you happy?
3 Comments
13th February, 2009 by Christina - 3 Comments
Over the years, I’ve been on the receiving end of many dating advice books. While I normally don’t care for them, I happened to borrow my friend’s copy of “He’s Just Not That Into You
” a few years back. It’s one of those books you read thinking, “duh” every five seconds and seeing your friends failures in the examples; seeing ourselves is far too painful. The thing is, as good advice as that book or any like it might give, it’s really easy to decide you “get it” only to ignore or forget the advice when Mr. McHotterson is smiling at you across the bar.
What these books are great at is not helping you grow as a person, but rather taking your money. Hey, I’m all for exploiting the system to make some dough, good for them. But it’s a waste of the readers time and money. Really, if you must read one of these books just get it from the library or peruse it in Barnes & Noble. You really do already know everything encapsulated between the covers even if you refuse to admit it. In the case of He’s Just Not That Into You, watch the movie.
I happened to see the movie. On opening night. In Time’s Square. On a Friday. If you take only one recommendation from this blog ever…this is it: DON’T GO TO OPENING NIGHT IN TIMES SQUARE ON A FRIDAY. Sorry for the yelling, it had to be done. Worse than anything Dante could have imagined. Sarah, of Que Sera Sera turned the movie into a drinking game and was out of mixer 20 minutes in. It’s that predictable. Heaven forbid the studios don’t cater to stereotypes of Jill Q. Public rather than reality.
Now, to sum-up: Movie based on self help book, premise of which is straight boy gives advice to straight girl as to why she’s failing at dating. Now, in college I had a manual on how to give a blow-job written by a gay man, it was probably a much more informative than any of my girlfriends no matter how “active” they had been. Dating most likely falls into the same category – go to the source for advice. These kinds of books bother me to no end – I just can’t buy into the idea that there is one prescribed and acceptable way for women to act and another for men in order to make relationships happen and be successful. I think that’s bullshit. The real approach to it all is to quit worrying and learn to love the bomb to live in the moment. It’s ok to hope and dream love and be hurt from time to time.
I don’t want to give away spoilers, but there were three endings to the movie I was supremely unhappy with. As the packed theater was “awwwwing”, I was wondering if I’d become that jaded. Real life isn’t black and white, the characters aren’t approached in that way either. But the material is, that that’s what’s annoying. The movie opens with a topic I love, how brainwashed little girls are by the fairytale romance and being told that little boys who pull their ponytails like them. There is a theory espoused by Justin Long’s character that purports the approach to finding love as this black and white list of rules to be obeyed for success. Any deviation is a rare exception. Yet the movie ends hypocritically pushing that initial message it was set-up to refute – that our prince will one day show up and we will all be the exception.
I was entertained and at times it’s very possible to see a bit of yourself in the different characters as well as a unique approach to creating a plot out of a self-help book. Despite all the problems, it seemed to get the one (albiet cliched) part of reality; if you can’t be happy with yourself, if you don’t know what you want out of life – it doesn’t matter if he’s into you or not because you’re still going to be unhappy.
3 Comments
