The Keanu Reeves Story

A few people asked me to expound on yesterday’s elusive comments about turning Keanu Reeves down when he asked me to dinner.  So I decided to give you all a Friday gift by not talking books and instead telling you a story that will have you shaking your heads and wondering how I ended up being such an idiot. 

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That Time I Turned Keanu Reeves Down, or, Why My Mother Thinks She Raised a Fool

At the end of my freshman year in college, I was asked to apply for a job on the Campus Activities Board.  I was so involved in planning small events in the student center, that it was assumed I would eventually take over planning concerts.  Our school was located fairly closely to Nashville, so we regularly had big name musicians come up to perform while doing other work in the big city.  Dave Matthews, Nelly, Nickelback, 3 Doors Down–for the early 2000s, these were BIG names.  The first semester of my junior year I was groomed to take over concerts as the current person in charge was graduating in December.  I had the lovely title of “Assistant Concert Chair.”

What that title meant was that the Chair got to hang out with the band while the Assistant Chair (me) got to supervise the student volunteers and groupies putting the sound board and lights together.

So on this particular day, the band Dog Star was coming to perform.  How good they were was questionable because the bass player was named Keanu Reeves.  As in THE Keanu Reeves.  You know, Bill and Ted have an adventure and stop a bomb-rigged bus?  That Keanu Reeves.  And we all know that movie stars turned musicians are questionable at best.  (Side note:  the band was good in a “big city indie garage band” sort of way, but how good they were has nothing to do with my story.)  Keanu Reeves, the super hot–especially when scruffy looking–actor was in a band playing on our campus.

There I was, stuck at the venue and everyone else–the concert chair, the student government president, and their fraternity brothers were all going to get to hang out with Keanu Reeves while I watched their pledges trying to figure out how to put together the lighting system.  Except the van with the band showed up not at the student center with its VIP suite, but at the venue.  The ticket girl sort of freaked out when the driver asked her where to park as she was incapable of decision making beyond what color Jolly Rancher to have with her Zima (she was a girlfriend to one of those many fraternity brothers), but was at least smart enough to come fetch me. 

Outside, I explained to the driver that he could just drive on the sidewalk through the Quad and over to the other side of the building where I’d let them in the stage door.  I turned to walk around the building and saw, sitting not two feet away from me in the passenger seat in all his unshaven scruffy glory, Keanu Reeves.  And he smiled at me.

No, it wasn’t even a smile–it was a HUGEGINORMOUS grin.

I was the first person on campus to meet Keanu Reeves and to shake his hand.  My feet had cemented themselves to the ground, my jaw was hovering somewhere around waist level, and my heart was in my throat.  At least that’s how I felt–apparently I hold myself together quite well in situations like this.  And by well I mean I look completely disinterested.  Unless you are Jane Krakowski, in which case, I’ll make an ass out of myself when I realize you’re sitting next to me at the nail salon.

On stage, all my pledge-turned-slaves abandoned their work to tell Mr. Reeves just how much they loved his movies, especially The Matrix, that was sooooo cool man and it’s gonna be awesome when the next two come out (Keanu was training for the sequels at the time).  For all the jokes about how articulate Keanu Reeves is, I had just found ten boys who made him sound like a world renowned orator.

As for myself?  I had somehow taken the maxim that a celebrity is just a well-known normal person to an insane degree and decided that the best way to treat a star…was to ignore him.

Eventually, the concert chair came and whisked Keanu away, leaving me to corral cats.  The plan was that once we were finished setting up the stage, the band would come in for sound check and then be taken to dinner down the street (again, the concert chair would get to go to dinner, while the assistant–me–would stay behind holding down the fort).  Except…horror of horrors happened.  At least it was horror of horrors for a stage crew…the speakers wouldn’t turn on.  Sound check would have to be postponed!!!!!!  Dinner would be ruined!!!!!

Somehow I was designated as the gopher at this point and sent off in one of the campus cars to pick up tray upon tray of food from the restaurant.  Chicken-fried chicken, fettuccine alfredo, southern rolls, and other good smelling things.  Hard at work, I had not eaten all day.  They packed everything into catering trays into the car all the while complaining about all the hard work they did that day and the fact that the would miss out on meeting Sexy McScruffysexerson–Keanu Reeves.

It was while setting all this food up in the dressing room that I made the worst decision of my life. Everything in order:  plates, forks, napkins, soda, food, everything–I was alone in the dressing room when Keanu Reeves walked in and said, “Wow, there’s way to much food here.  You should eat with us.”

That’s actually a paraphrase, I don’t remember the exact words he used, but that is pretty darn close.

And what did stupid old me do?  I said I couldn’t because I had to more work to do.  In retrospect, I should have been all “Fuck work, let my advisor or the concert chair come find me after their day of lazing  around the student center with Keanu Reeves.”  I’d worked my ass off all day dealing with petulant idiots who couldn’t figure out how plug in an electrical cord and was starving and here was THE STAR, the entire reason we booked the band, was inviting me to join him (and his band) for dinner.

Biggest regret of my life.  That’s not like saying you’ll skip hiking this weekend because you’re a little tired.  You can always do that another weekend.  You can always put off a trip to Italy for another year.

There will never be a repeat of Keanu Reeves asking me to dine with him.

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UPDATE JUNE 4, 2010 Hello to everyone visiting from the June 15 International Cheer Up Keanu Reeves Day.  Yes, this story makes me feel like a moron.  Maybe turning my turning him down is why he looks so sad? Anyway – feel free to make a few jabs at my expense – can’t be any worse that what I’ve heard from my mother!

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