When it comes to relationships, advice books seem to be a contentious topic. No one wants to admit to reading/owning these books. Yet somehow these books do well enough for publishers to be spitting them out onto display tables in bookstores around the world.
Now, I was intentionally vague when I asked in my survey if any participants had read and found useful any advice books, and if they would recommend any they’d read to others. There are all sorts of interpretations of what qualifies as a book in the dating and relationship genre, so I’ll break it down into two main categories: Dating/Relationships and Sex.
Marcelo (yes, we allowed him to submit answers) told us that while he’s never read a dating specific book, he does recommend Difficult Conversations which is about relating to other people, and he has applied the principles to dating in the past. He goes on to say that,
[It] is a must-read for anyone, whether it’s someone who has relationship issues or workplace troubles. Other than that, I’ve found that dating advice books are a lot of fluff and hooey, and it’s very difficult to separate good from bad.
This is a stance almost all our participants had. Yes, there might be a helpful one or two, but most are terrible and they’re all pretty much the same anyway even though dating and relationships are not “one size fits all.” Marge also chimed in, claiming that dating and advice books are not necessarily helpful but are interesting. When He’s Just Not That Into You was first published, many women claimed just that, “but I already know all this stuff!” However, as much as we may know, it’s easy to get caught up in bad habits and repeat patterns that are counter to what we know is a healthy way of acting.
It was the idea of already knowing what is presented in advice books that sparked the idea for this Love & Books series. Ari had written a post on Curious Illusion about finding herself again after the end of a relationship. She had received Single: The Art of Being Satisfied, Fulfilled, and Independent . She never got around to finishing the book and while packing for a move some time later rediscovered it only to realize she had learned how to be happy as a single without its help. Time and time again, you hear people say that it’s when they stopped looking or truly became comfortable with themselves as a single that they met the person of their dreams. Understanding your singleness and choices in dating is just as important as learning how to really listen to your partner.
Back to Marge–she has been married for almost twenty-five years. With a daughter of dating age, she has from time to time read dating advice books. Within her own relationship, the only advice book on the shelves is Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, a book that a few of our married participants own. She holds a similar view of this book to her opinions on dating books. Both she and her husband read the book,
We did read Men are from Mars, Women from Venus because we met the author and he signed the book for us. We find it to be very interesting and actually thinking about it did learn alot about differences in the sexes from that book. However, the author has been married about 3 times, so what does he know?
SO because everyone sort of brushed the question up and we had no respondents who had actually found any advice books useful, I guess we have to assume that the reason these books sell (and occasionally get adapted into movies) is because there are enough gullible people out there to keep buying newly published books hoping that maybe this one will help. That’s probably not the truth of the matter, but with no one stepping up to say that a specific book really helped them learn how to meet people or make a relationship work, all we’re left with is assumptions.
By the way, the second category of sex: NO ONE owned up to owning any sex books. No Kama Sutra or the The Joy of Sex. So I have no data to respond on and share with you all. Which I think is a shame since sex is obviously a big fact in relationships, whether you are in a new or long-term relationship or happily single. No information on this subject from some of you makes sense, but others of you I know are not modest and I am 100% sure that a few of you have a few tucked away (or in plain sight). Interesting that everyone kept silent.
On a similar note, I was hoping to get at least one respondent talking about The Game (or similar “Master Pick-up Artist” type books). I do know a woman who read it in hopes of gleaning some insight into the male brain but do not know any men who have read the book. On the recommendation of the woman, I read the book and have some extremely strong (ranting) opinions about it. While I’m all for socially awkward people learning to talk to the opposite sex, the methods presented in said books are more about casual sex than relationships which I feel is a sort of branch category as it’s not really dating.
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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
Well, I’m happy being single… so where’s the man of my dreams already, is he coming? Delayed?
Difficult Conversations sounds like a good book to have – I’m horrible at communicating in relationships, or so I’ve been told. I might need to look into that… you know, when the man of my dreams finally shows up.
.-= Ari´s last blog ..The things we do because of Carrie Bradshaw and the Sex and the City women… =-.
Men have a distinct inability to ask for directions. Prince Charming most likely got lost in the woods….
I’m paddling across the Pacific as fast as I can!