Love & Books: Between The Pages…And Sheets

24th July, 2009 3 Comments

The original plan for today was to talk about the assumptions we make about other people’s books.  And we sort of will–but with a slight divergence. 

Over dinner last night a friend told me she thought it was hilarious that no one owned up to owning any sex books.  She then proceeded to tell me a great story about the risks they pose in a relationship.  

Dating is like traversing a field waiting to step on a landmine that proves our assumptions about the other person–we read that we should pay attention to how they treat the waitstaff at dinner and compare their actions to our exes.  What we are looking for is a number of things.  Are they a kind person?  Will they make a good partner or parent?  How are they in bed?

Those assumptions can be compounded when we see their book collection and even more so when we see what sex books they own.  For the sake of this story, we’ll call my friend Lizzy and the guy in question John.

Lizzy had been going out with John for a little while and things were going pretty alright.  John was an intellectual and adventurer–traits Lizzy admired. 

Being a published author, books were of special importance to him. Upon first glance, it was very clear that his collection of books were arranged and selected as if being curated.

One night, back at his place, she noticed a book.  How to Make Love All Night:  And Drive a Woman Wild! 

She looked at it inquiringly and asked him about it.  John said he owned the book because you can never have too many techniques.  So she opened it up to take a look and said to him,

Oh, no.  No woman wants this.  No woman wants to do it All.  Night.  Long. 

Her first assumption having now looked into this book was that John wasn’t going to be good in bed if he was using a book that so little met the needs of what women actually wants as crib-notes.  And she was right. 

At this point in her life, Lizzy was looking to settle down and thought she’d maybe found “The One.”  He was great in many ways, except the sex.  So she resigned herself to a life of bad sex; maybe it wouldn’t be such a terrible hardship.  She did make him give up the book.  The apartment building he lived in had a table in which the inhabitants would leave the occasional tchotchke for others to take.  The book spent three weeks on the table (lingering long after the troll statues had been grabbed) and one day disappeared. 

Eventually, Lizzy and John broke up.  He apparently had big-time commitment issues that she’d been willing to overlook along with the lack of decent love making. 

[When] I saw [the book] immediately my suspicions began.  This man was going to be bad in bed, or had issues with women.  He didn’t know what to do or how to communicate with his partner regarding intimate issues.  Of course, I chose to ignore all of that, which only lead to heartbreak later…but live and learn!  All of my suspicions were true!

Advice books are supposed to guide us and help us become better people, even between the sheets.  Yet, more often then not we find ourselves complaining about both the ones marketed to us and for the opposite sex.  I was sure, however, that there had to be some good books out there.  Or maybe it was not so much the books, but how individuals approached the content.  Discussing Lizzy’s story with another friend provided some insight that books about sex aren’t necessarily a warning sign and can at times rev things up between a couple. 

There’s a lot of crap out there written by a lot of idiots.  There are some that are pretty straightforward–encyclopedic.  Some are fun and some are insightful.

I personally never look to a book for advice on sex.

I might read a book to learn more about areas of sex or relationships I don’t have much experience with…one can sometimes benefit from the experience of others, provided that the author is smart and has the proper attitude.

It can also be exciting at times to read about things that others have done even if you, yourself, would not necessarily do it… and that excitement can translate to excitement in your bedroom (or kitchen or living room or elevator, etc).

After our discussion, it was clear that John may have benefited from the advice in a book, he just made a very poor choice in choosing a book.  Based on other factors, and her story, Lizzy and I made the assumption that one day, after he felt enough time had passed, John had probably gone back downstairs to salvage the book and hide it away in hopes of using it for future reference.  However, bad advice is still bad advice and doesn’t help one learn from the mistakes of a past relationship.

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