Love & Books: Could You Love A Non-Reader?

22nd July, 2009 6 Comments

After our brief little side-trip to the moon, we’re back with more to share about love and books.  I’ve divided the results of the survey into a few categories and today will be focusing specifically on whether or not your significant other or someone you have just started dating needs to be a reader.

Now, a caveat to start.  This survey was by no means accurate.  I asked a few questions of people who are here because they are readers; limited target group means limited responses.  So naturally, with similarly minded people all answering the survey, all the results are fairly similar.  But this gives us a good picture of the avid reader and what they expect/want out of a relationship as far as books are concerned.

For the most part, every participant said that yes, they required the other half of their relationship to be a reader.  Now, this did not mean that a first date was doomed because one party was not a reader.  Rik let us know that while he would date someone who is not a regular reader, he does feel that a date stating that she does not read at all to be sad and considers it a non-attractive statement.  Another participant said that reading was not a requirement for a first or even multiple dates but that these rarely make it further than casual dating.

Marge ended her survey by saying that she considers reading to be a hobby, much like an interest in sports or civil war reenactments,

It is an individual preference.  You do not need your other half to enjoy what you read, read when you read, or even read at all.  While it might be nice to share a book and then discuss it, I can’t see a relationship being based on that or surviving for that…if the other half is not interested, does that make the relationship doomed?  I should hope not!!

And she makes a valid point.  We love the people in our life because of the things that make them unique and interesting.  We may not have received many responses from couples where one party read and the other didn’t, but I think it’s safe to assume they are out there.  So why is an interest in reading often a deal breaker?  Why do mixed-relationships often fizzle?  Well, most of the participants had a similar response:  it’s not so much the reading that makes a difference, but what that reading says about you.  Both the singles and those in relationships claim that looking at someone’s bookshelves gives  you a broader picture of the person–sort of like a Google search, but less creepy.  Kurt, who is getting married in a few months, said that you get an overview of the other person’s “personal, cultural, and political perspective.”  We tend to look at people’s bookshelves to get an idea of who they are, even if that person is a friend or stranger rather than a potential partner.

With singles, a different taste in books is similar to a different taste in music.  Jesse tells us,

I imagine it would be awesome to find a lady who has, say, three shelves of architecture books.  Books are such great conversation pieces and they provide such sharp insight into someone’s personality.

A shared interest in reading is a natural conversation starter and discussion about different tastes in books can lead us into different avenues of conversation.  For example, someone who collects books on castles can spark a discussion on both parties’ experiences traveling through Europe.

Meanwhile, Margie (yes, we had two) let us know that two past relationships were with people who “rarely, if ever read.”  She doesn’t consider reading preferences to be a deal-breaker, whether they be choosing not to read at all or their choice in reading material (“unless it was something very warped and they were so compulsive about the reading material that they let it affect their behavior”).  However, she does point out that in the past when a book has made an impact on her, she’s not had anyone to share or discuss the book with.

I think in the future, I might consider somebody’s lack of reading as an important part of the package.  I want to talk about something intelligent, and to do that one must read.

While the books someone reads lets us understand them a little more, most of the married or long-term relationship respondents said that there while there was some overlap in reading preferences; for the most part each party had vastly different tastes.  This broadened their own scope and impression of the world.  Avid readers, it seems, have a natural curiosity about the world and enjoy learning about new things.  While they might prefer biographies over science fiction, they were able to appreciate the differences that made their partner unique and had, on occasion, tried a book upon the recommendation of their partner.  Occasionally this leads to discussion and an entirely new genre of books to choose from.

Ultimately, the key to a strong relationship is respect between both partners.  As much as the avid reader may want to date another reader, we can’t always predict who we fall in love with.  Sometimes that other person does not read much, if at all.  This is where respect comes into play.  One reader, Linda, let us know that in past relationships she was made to feel guilty about the time she spent reading and not paying attention to the other person.  The guilting from her partners was not respectful to her interests.  Linda is now married.  ”My husband respects my choice to read and tries not to interrupt me while I’m reading.”  Referring back to Marge, reading is a hobby and we need to respect our partner’s choices to spend time  on their hobbies, whether they be reading, building a tiny ship in a bottle, or learning circus hula-hooping, and in turn we require them to respect our choices.

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